okapi grrrrrrrrl

It really fucking irks me when I start looking for some cute pictures of animals on the internet and all of a sudden I've developed zoological interest and I'm like: "Wow, opakis can lick their eyes and ears with their incredibly sticky tongues. That's fucking bonkers."
Shut up dude. Just post the baby animals and get on with your life.

I found this article pretty interesting and all around nuts. Please note the use of the term "Sawed-off semigiraffe"

Anyway. Step aside Bambi and also Bambi 2 (that bitch). Cuz here comes the real prince of the forest.
15 minutes. That's all it takes from the time their born to the time they can stand and run. That's rght vag to feet in 15 flat. Word up. This one kind of has a seductive daring look to him like "c'mon bitch, try me" He's talking to bambi by the way.

So it's actually more like vag to feet then to ass in 25 flat. Hey man you gots to tend to your underside.
Feel me?

The real point is as follows. Those stripey legs and kinda bow legged stance reminds me a lot of a riot grrrl and deep down I have a little thing for riot grrrlz. Well, not so deep down and not so llittle either.
His little hooves kinda look like big ol shit kickers and he's built like a little brick shit house. I'm puzzling myself here by comparing this little guy to an object of my desire.


Thanks Louis for the hypolink.

prairie doggs

Charlie's angels? They're all different shapes and sizes. The one on the left is the nerdy tech one. The one in the middle is the matial arts expert and the one on the right is the seductress. Charlie will be played by Bernie Mac.

This is actually a tactical readyness stance. "C'mon" say the prairie doggs. "Give us your best shot."

I read this on the subway:

See a crip, kill a crip, watch my favorite color drip.

So throw up your gang signs motherfucker.

Blood for life.

Penguin Poop

I am sorry. Really sorry. There's no need for this. None.
WOW! Let's ignore the poop for a second and talk about the way this little pooper is up on his tiptoes mounting his brother while his mom watches him poop.

She's all : Good work honey.
And he's making that screwed up satisfied face that dogs make when they poop and make eye contact at the same time. I have chills.
Thanks Sarafina

ReOtter

This is exactly what last night was like for me. Rolling around like a complete fucking moron laughing my head off and caring not-at-all who's watching or photographing.


What's up with these guys. They have the propotions of a dachtsund with no neck. I am having so much touble imagining what they might be doing if it isn't actually laughing hystericly. Seriously, I can't think of one animal type thing that they could be doing. Maybe they're rolling in the snow to get parasites off of their fur. No, fucking way. They're laughing, end of story. This is another strong argument for intelegent design. Why on earth would an otter evolve to laugh? And how would anything (hyenas, people) evolve to laugh in the first place?
Ridiculous.

SAT's

YES. It's time for another game of "what celebrity does this baby porcupine look like." (Jeopardy theme). Is it:
a) Gerard Depardieu
b)Adrien Brody
c)Dustin Hoffman
d)Me


Correct answer: a)


Link via Robyn

4 eyes

From the if-I-can't-tell-if-it's-cute-then-it-is file, we have the spectacled langur. Oh what a crazy world.

This will be your CGI guide to the world of spectacled langurs. It took 200 nerds 1000 man-hours to do the whole wireframe, artificial hair thing on him and now he pops up in the corner of my microsoft word everytime I try to make a table and says "it looks like you're trying to make a table." No shit.

O fuck me. That's not CGI at all. It's the real deal. He looks...surprised. I am. Not a bad gotee too. He's thinking of going into pro baseball and, well you know, you have to have the look.

Ok so the mom here has got a coke-bottle-glasses cross-eyed thing that I think you would find in an eighties movie about nerds (but not Revenge of the Nerds or Weird Science.)

And look at that baby. Now baby looks at you. And vise-versa ad infinitum. I see a milk mustache. What makes me want to give noogies. Some deep primal instinct I think.

Titilatiing Ocelot

What is it about the ocelot that's so......titilating.

Like this little duder. Huh? What? me? Oh yeah.
I love those blue eyes. Enchanting. This is the ocelot in its natural habitat, which, by the way, involves a leaf.

Sorry, did I say I liked blue eyes because that was a crock of shit. I like orange eyes. Yeah, you're really the cutest. You!
Sad and cute. That's how we do. Lashes by L'Oreal. Whiskers by Vidal Sassoon.

Jesus cock-sucking Christ. That's so fucking weird. I was just talking about how cute baby ocelots are and look what we have here. One cute ocelot. Best part: forehead patern. Especially, the relationship between the baby's and the mom's. It's like when you see a little fat kid with his fat parents. You can see the future. The little dude looks like he's kind of wavering back and forth and as he's oscillating he's making my tits oscillate a little too.


Get your grimy ass hands off of my ocelot. Rubbing up and down on him like he's some kind of feline freak. He's not, you know? Those little paws are so in focus. He's kinda bug eyed but that's forgiven by the spots on his legs and his cute ass fucking paws which look like little mittens. And (this isn't dirty) look between his front legs at the way his little back legs are scrunched up and his little ass is just above the ground.

Ay, Ay, Ay! Raise the roof little man. I feel you, but you're underappreciated. I know you're sick, I know you're tired, I know you're sick of being sick and tired.
If this little ocelot goes missing in the near future, it wasn't me. I wouldn't even know how to kidnap a baby animal. Even one that's this titilating.

Pacarana

A close relative of the capybara (and linguisticly confusable to boot) is the pacarana.

Bluck blcuk.Sleeeeeeeep. It's raining right now and all I want to do is be this guy for the rest of the day.

Wait, fuck that. I want to be this guy:
He's so little and fuzzy. Tiny eyes etc. etc. Look at his mom's ears, they look really weirdly like human ears. Hi.


Check this shit out from National Geographic, May 1966 (thanks my very good friend Karthik Pandian):
This is a pacarana catching thing in Columbia. If you can't read the text, I'll paraphrase. Mrs. Latham (right) catches the pacarana for her 14-year-old son Billy! Billy names it Rodie! On the ride home Rodie leaps out of Billy's lap, onto the driver, sending the jeep into a ditch. Also present are coatimundis.
That's actually what it says. You can't make shit like that up. Billy!!!!

And then there's this guy who is sitting up and eating like we owe him something. Pretty funny little fella.
R.O.U.S.? Yes.

Momonga

Well, after Bronwyn solved the big fucking mystery over what this guy was, what else can we do but look at more pictures of him.

This is like the birds and the bees scene in cartoons. Little hearts floating up over their heads and popping. Plink. Plonk. And they rock back and forth to some song from the fifties. Moon River or something like that.
The one on the right looks like he's about to fall off. He's just barely got a grip with his toes and his ass is hanging waaaaay off the back of that stick. Woops, falls backwards grabs his friend and they both plummet to their bloody death right? Wrong, douche! These are Momonga, the dwarf Japanese Flying Squirrel. They can fucking fly.


Oh, hello! Whatcha doing on that stick little guy? Just checkin' the scene? Word.
Look at his big 'ol eyes and his smug little fucking grin. He knows he's cute. He knows he doesn't even have to try. Some people have it so fucking easy.


Creepin'. Comin out at night and bangin'.
They're so fat.

Allow me to interject here with some rodentia Japonica. Don't be fooled. There is a veritable infinitude of bizarre Japanese websites slathered with cute animals. I'd be mad if there wasn't.

This guy is just straight posted up on this stick.
Peep his left arm. It's got this stiff upperclass thing going on as if he's remarking on the state of London. This coming from a fucking squirrel whose ass is hanging waaaay off the back of the stick he's perched on.

This is just fucking crazy. Seriously. Possibly the scariest image I've ever seen. They are watching and following you. They know where you are, what you're doing and why at all times. There is no escaping their gaze. It's like the naturalist's "Big Brother." But cuter.

Who's your favorite? I know mine. The one on the left. He looks like fucking Wolverine ready to pounce. Feel me? And his gaze is so intent. I'm creeped out. For real.

The first and third ones are via Eileen.

Capybara

Something about swarms of young, crowding in to feed , that is just vulgar and porcine. Here its all about the powerful face of the mother. Imposing. Those babies could give a fuck though. They look up adoringly. Tiny ears back.
And here's a bunch more of these things. Feeding.

Let me tell you the story of Ted, the prodigal son. He's peeved on account of that there just aren't enough nipples to go around and he's hungry too. Fuck those dudes and fuck you mom! I'm going out for TacoBell. PEACE!

More via Pyramid Scheme of Cuteness.

Armadills

Armaldillos are like Junior Mints. Wait, no, more like sexy librarians. No, I got it, Armadillos are like koopa troopers. Yeah. There're all hard on the outside with big ears and a bad attitude, but once you get to know them, they're really nice and cute and they have hopes and fears just like the rest of us. Ya know?

Speaking of fear; I fucking love cops. The fuzz. Bobbies. Jake. The po. The po po. 5-0.

Look how sad he looks with his nose pointed down and his big old pointy ears and all that armor. And he's holding a baby armadillo (too easy). The only kind of gross part is the rat tail. And he's holding a mother-fucking baby armadillo (fucking yes!).

This may be the same armadillo as above. I could give a flying fuck though. I really like the part in the middle that is kind of accordian like. I bet he's really ticklish there. Scientific fact: Armadillo means "ticklish softball" in both spanish and aztec by sheer coinsidence. Weird, I know.

He's smelling around in the leaves for bugs or grass or whatever it is that armadillos eat. I want him to roll up into a little ball so i can push him around a little and we'll laugh and laugh.

free fall doggy

Ok, ok, I'll put a fucking dog on the blog. BUT! only because it's being subject to relativity. I give you FREE FALL DOGGY.

Kinkajou Reup

Well, for thosse of you who watched Jeopardy this evening (I see you back there), you may have recognize JALG's old and dear friend the kinkajou. So fuck, here's some more:

Allright. Game off. There's a kinkajou climbing across the tennis net agian. We got in sooooo much trouble with the ASPCA last time when I was serving. That would have been an ace by the way.
He's clearly traversing this net to get at a delicious morsel at the other end. What could it be? Cupcake? Hamburger? Leg of lamb? Definately leg of lamb.


Coming to git ya. He's so intent. He'll climb the highest couch. Cross the deepest sink. Wriggle his way through the fuzziest blanket. Slander the most non-child-molesting priest. Tear ass at the most crowded hipster coffee shop. Whatever it takes, he'll git ya.

Let's see what we have here. Opposible thumb. Tiny ears. Big eyes. Side to side, teeter-totter gait. Oh that's the stuff.

Anteater

Ohhhh, that'll work. I'm pretty into these anteaters. His little incipient snout just getting ready to sniff out some termites. Go get 'em killer!
I can do the list here: eyes, ears, claws, nose. It's easy. I can mention the gloves and refer you back to the post that talked about the pap smear but I won't. I will however point out the way he's clinging to this dude's hand and also that his forehead has a nice slope to it.

So here's the main thing that's going on with these anteaters. As babies, they are lazy little fucks. The climb onto their mother's back at birth and stay there until they are half the size of their mothers. And they just fucking sit there. Period. I love the whole skinny head thing. It would be just a little too easy to confuse it with the fat leg thing. This is freaking me out.

Whooooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaaoaaaa! More terry cloth. I fucking love terry cloth. I'm on my way to B,B&B right now to pick up some terry cloth sheets and then it's off to Fantasy World to pick up those terry cloth briefs I been finna sport. This little chum's got a serious old man-Yoda-troll thing going wich is allrigh until we get into the whole phallic nose thing.
Oh no you didn't. Oh yes I did. C'mon, it had to be said. I think that no one reading this will ever look at a phallus or an anteater the same way ever again.

Let's cleanse. These next two are a demonstrative pair. You will notice little fellas on the backs of their mums. Check out the big bushy tails. And cool coloration. And unabashed clinginess of the young.



This last one is via Fuzzworks. Biggup fuzzworks.

Monster?

Cy. We hardly knew you. After one mere day on this earth, Cy the adorable one eyed noseless kitten left us at the end of 2005. Born Dec. 28th in Redmond, OR. He left behind a healthy sister and an owner. The heart of JALG is bleeding today.

link via boingboing

Joey!

We've been down this road before. Kangaroad.
For god's sake somebody get this guy a cigarette. You shouldn't be allowed to squat so intently without a Marlboro and a duck hanging in the window behind you.

His feet are fucking huge. That's all there is to say about this. Well, not really. His ears are pretty fucking enormous but overall the picture lacks a certain humanity don't you think?

O, there it is. So, they actually do this. They hang out in their mother's pouches and they just do. This blows my mind. This isn't just one of those things that you learn in elementary school but isn't actually true like the Great Wall of China or the Atom.

Now, I'd like to pause to take special notice of the arm dangling blasely. But where the hell are those enormous feet. That pouch must be super-fucking-huge. ew.

Appartently these things are a giant nuisance down unda and they are just everywhere. I can see that.

Doesn't he look kind of menacing. Like he's going to shit on the hood of your auto and then scamper off. WHY? You could just shit on the ground next to my auto. And he's fast as hell to boot. Worst of all he just looks like a awkwardly proportioned person. I'm absolutely sceeved. Conclusion:Kangaroos are gross.

Badge More

Man, I wish I was this guy. That terryclothe looks so clean and the stretch, boom, in his arm just seem so fucking satisfying. Badgers, by the way, are the animal of the new year. Fuck me.


What's that hairy thing next to him? I happen to know that its another baby badger. So, I fibbed. Sorry. I'm going to spend the next couple of days trying to get that stretch that he's got going. First I have to let my muscles atrophy. Wish me luck, this is going to be extremely painful.

Wombat

Not every post has to be fancy. Sometimes, a baby wombat, presented so as to accent its purity, does the trick just right.



This looks like my friend from high-school. Noah Buffet-Kennedy, if your out there, hit me up.

Tapir tadass

Here we go. I don't know what I've been doing this week but it certainly hasn't been blogging animals that are cute as shit. There was that whole nyt debacle and then some shit about coyotes but basicly we haven't had a good post since I got hammered and put up the skunk porn. Anyway, what we have here is a baby tapir. And although he looks porcelin, he's not and his little zebra stripes and slightly blue eyes are real as real, suckers.
Holy fucking smokes, look at the way his little toes spread out. And he's all top heavy and off balance. I hope he's not missing that hind leg and its just out of sight becuase that would be a real shame. I just want to grab him and throw him to the ground and tussle. no homo. So funny looking. It's kind of making me nauseated.

Radio On

Beep Beep!









Geococcyx californianus


Watch out little guy here comes your arch nemesis!

Hooooooooooooowl! Mooooooooooon! Coyoteeeeeeeeeeeeee!




















It's pretty cute that he's howling at the moon but in reality he's probably yawning. That sure looks like moon-light but it might just be really good cute animal photo-styling.

NYT on the ball

This from our good friends in midtown:

Scientists who study the evolution of visual signaling have identified a wide and still expanding assortment of features and behaviors that make something look cute: bright forward-facing eyes set low on a big round face, a pair of big round ears, floppy limbs and a side-to-side, teeter-totter gait, among many others.

Those are scientists talking. Morons. You can't analyze cute. If you try you end up saying dumb shit like "teeter-totter gait" as if it's science. Here's the link if for no other reason then to check out some more Tai Shan, the original panda gansta.

How far we've fallen

One brutal night and look what happens:




Such innocence lost. What a shame.