Just this once

On the eve of the new year, the year of the dog, (more like the hair of the dog) we here at JALG are feeling just feisty enough to put up the following image but not without a few qualifications first.

1) Yes, the animal below is dosmestic but he has been a faithul reader and contributor to JALG since day one.

2) The image we're looking at here is a scan of a black and white printout. This media transfer process is just postapocalyptic enough to merit de-domesticization.

3) I decided before I checked what year it was in the chinese zodiak that I was going to feature that animal today. Considering that rat, rooster and ox were three of the other choices, I think I pretty much lucked out.

4) The sporting goods and irresistably pathetic expression do create a certain synergy of cuteness that really just kills.

That being said, I give you Drummer:

What did I say about the synergy thing?
Drummer was so named because his enormous mitts made him walk like he was marching. When he gets really excited, he rolls over on his back and pisses up into the air, I shit you not. Those puppy dog eyes can make the most hard-ass drill seargent say some shit like "wittul puppy."



Recognize! Chinchilla. Look at this little one. He's kinda got a cartoonish goofiness about him that is pretty well magnified by the head-body size ratio. Not too bright are ya fella?

So adorable.

So explain this one intellegent design. What's up with that hooked nose. It's like its own appendage. Little known fact: chinchilla's closest relatives are elephants, true story.
I wonder what's in the bowl.

If I was an agoraphobic chinchilla this would pretty much be my worst nightmare. He's so exposed in that wid open plane of wood.

I think its funny that all these guys have different shaped ears and noses and stuff. Chinchillas are a varied bunch.

And the winner is: this guy!!!!!! Yay.
You are truly a fucking champ sir.

This little dude is so sad. So mopey and puppy-dog-eyed. I'll save you buddy.

I'll save you.


oooo stinker

Who knew that something that smelled so bad could be so cute. Sprinkle some daiseys on that lil' guy and, BAM, cute as a motherfucker. Slide a little stripe down his nose and his tiny little eyes get all cute. Booya. Booyakasha.

This is like out of some sweedish porn from the 70's. Heidi and whatever and shit. It's real naturalist and it makes a statement.

One fisting the skunk is second only to double fisting the skunks. Flail those limbs. Flail 'em.

Hold your skunk up high. Raise it to the sky. Sup with the brick wall? I know this skunk is like a brick house. Oh yeah and YOU are just another brick in the wall. YOU stink, the skunk smells like fucking poontang.

Alright, you don't stink, but you do suck. A bottle that is.

JALG loves the nipple and especially when a skunk is white with blck stripes instead of vise-versa. F that S in the A. right in the A.

Same brick wall? Is that a finger? Nose stripe? High top fade? Tiny ears? I'm definately freaking out. Freaking out. Freaking out.

Little webbed (two whole sylables: WEB ED) feet. Gushing, absolutely gushing.

And now just the tiny littly basic standard skunk. I'm breaking my own heart. It hurts. Uggh.

Never judge a skunk again.


who wolverined

It was funny to say that the sugarglider was a vicious killer because it's not, but these are fucking wolverines.

Whoa. They're so ferocious that UMichigan named their football team after them. And apparently they stink. Cool.


Why do they call them wild animals? It's not because they'll kill you. And it's not because they won't give a fuck when they do it. It's not even because they feel no guilt and show no remorse. It's because they like being called wild and they flaunt it every chance that they get.

Shhhhhh! Sleep! That's it, you'll be home soon.

This crazed monkey got so frustrated with his feline allergy that he took two vicadin, two clartin and a fistful of benedril, went over to his friends' house, opened it with his set of extra keys and put a the tastiest sleeper hold on on their cat since Brutis "The Barber" Beefcake.

Come here and give us a hug. That's right puppy, right over here, snuggle up with your fellow animals and relax. We're gunna have a little photo op, cuddle with some hot cocoa, eat some marshmellows and eggnog and then we're gunna ... SNAP! .....

..... Thud!

fuckin' dogs.


Badge, motherfucker, badge

What do baby badgers dream of? I think its flying and judging by this picture, I'm right.

JALG's own Mari has aptly pointed out the belly button of this lil' guy. No, you ass, badgers aren't just sprung from the earth, but they are in fact born, with umbilical chords, just like you and me. And believe me, I'm raising a whole army of these things for their ferocious badging abilities.



Oh it is mother fucking on. Round up the troops. Arm yourselves. It's time to show your loyalty to JALG and fight for once in your puny little life goddamnit.
Some very popular blogs which shall remain nameless(boingboing and metafilter) have recently posted to some bullshit cute "animal" blog. I'm not going to embarass anybody here by telling you what this bullshit blog is. It's cuteoverload, more like overload of bull.

Tangled Sailor and I are having none of this. Domesticated animals. They're BRED to be cute. It's like genetically modified athletes.

This is a baby wombat. Ideal for hand to hand combat. His low center of gravity and razor sharp teeth allow him to effectively shred the tibia and fibia of poseur animal bloggers.

He can also be dropped from high altitudes, attatch himslef to an the head of an unsuspecting weenus and claw eyes like it's his fucking job.

Stealthfully slinking through the underbrush, the red panda, with his poison laced tounge, is right up on you before you know it.

He may look like he's sleeping because he has his eyes closed and whatnot but in reality he's visualizing the bloody defeat of his lame-ass opponent.

This mother giraffe actually suctions her baby's head and then catapults him into enemy territory where the lanky limby little guy goes whirling dirvish on his enemy.

His little head on his long 'ol neck acts like a mace. Suckers get played when they mess with the giraffe.

Ma: "look at me. You might die out ther today. But you're dying for JALG and that's what matters."
Lil' guy: "I will fight with honor"
Ma: "You are a brave one."
Lil' guy: "I'm fighting for the sloth and the racoon and those little pandas and owen and meze and everyone else.
ma:"go get those fuckers"


Brrrrrr baby brrrrrr

Well boiz and gurlz, its balls cold or tits cold outside and despite massive global warming caused by irresponsible governing bodies, the arctic circle is coming to your town. That's right, grab some hot cocoa and put on your bunny slippers and get your cute on.

I've been intensionally avoiding the baby polar bear this whole time because of its association with a global soft-drink that shall remain nameless, but I can't hold out any longer so here he is the little bastard.

Roll over on your back you little bastard and bite your thumb. That's right. You think your paws are big enough. Someday this little buddy will grow up to be a vicious killer of fish, whales, foxes, beavers and whatever else he can get gigantic paws on but for now: roll around and play!

Not to mension his little friend who I've dubbed cute little fucker or CLF. CLF can actually roll up into a regulation soccerball but don't kick him because he will mame you and when he's grown, he'll eat your young.

(Editor's note: Apparently there is some violence in the air over here at JALG today. Perhaps our writers haven't really been sleeping. All work and no play....)

Dum dee dum dee dum, nothing going on here. Oh Fuck, a baby arctic fox. I, just, um, so, cute, small, bashful, tiny ears tiny ears. Whoa, sorry about that.

I think he might be on his way down, i.e. center of gravity shifting left all too quickly. And he's kinda got that look that a dog getw when they're shitting or getting their belly rubbed which is an eye-contact that nobody is comfortable with because it is laden with guilt and shame. But can you really hold that against him. Hell naw dog. or fox or whatever.

More Baby Arctic Foxes. This is a pretty good way to spend an evening if you ask me. I'm just one man though. Why are these ones whit and the mom is gray and the other baby was grey and the mom on the documentary that I watch on saturday was white? Why do we have to judge based on color? Why?

The one on the right is about to fall off of his little rock. I think he's wispering to his mom.

Harp Seal: baby variety. Whiskers nose eyes, blah blah blah.

I swear this thing can talk. I'm not totally sure that what it would say would be so cute. Look at his mouth, it's like he's poised to say something either profound or perverted. Eyes can be deceiving, beleive me.

I had a baby cayote in here but he got the nix because I realized that cayotes aren't actually that arctic and then I actually looked at the picture, which I hardly ever do, and I reallized that it looked like a lovely spring day and fuck that. STOAT!

This is a stoat or ermine, but what am I your ninth grade fucking bio teacher who got "asked to leave" after showing up at Kirsten Sullivan's party. I think not. Much like his distant relative, the polar bear, the stoat can also roll up into regulation major league sporting equipment but in this case, a baseball. Batter up.

Totally numb to the world and his own cuteness. Ears and eyes, the same size. Head and body, also, the same size. Commas abound, in sentances. What the fuck is up with the rubber gloves? Is he gunna get a pap smear after the photo op? Uncool dude.



There was a misunderstanding:

If the creature, possibly a carnivore not previously known to world science, photographed loping through the darkness, advancing then retreating, its eyes glowing like carriage lamps, had been Colleen McLoughlin putting out the rubbish one night, she would probably have measured the impact of the sighting over the following days at the newsagent's.

When I told W that we should go to war with the Brittish, I meant against them not by their side. Hrumph. Buried under the layers of goof-ball syntax is a Gaurdian article about a new carnivorous mammal. You know how much I like carnivorous mammals. Thanks David Moore for the artical.

Oh yeah! And I got this from my buddy Mikey Balls. (Take the time to find his picture on that page.)

You can ask me what it is but i won't be able to answer you. Some kind of wombat? Fuck if I know. That lady sure is excited about it. I bet she's sweedish and I bet the animal is Austrailian. Hypothesis Friday. I also bet that she squeezed it the way that she's holding it right now, it would squeek like a dog toy. But way deeper. Like a fog horn almost. Maybe a little hoarser. Yeah, just like that.


Coatimundi Tuesday

I'm beginning to be convinced that any ass-hole with a digital camera and a cute animal can play zoologist and name them whatever the fuck they want. But who am I to judge?

Itch, scratch, itch, itch, scratch. Fleas

look at that little face. The coatimundi young are brilliantly camoflaged (ID) to blend in against the backdrop of their progenators.

These three little chums are named What, The and Fuck. They look at everything and everybody in exactly this way.

That's just dumb.

Sad to say that today's American coatimundi watches an average of 6 hours of TV everyday. This is invariabley linked to the massive obesity problem that they face.

I'm pretty sure these are the dumbest looking animals that JALG has seen to date. Not spacey stoney dumb like this kinkajou , but dumb like exhibiting a fundamental inability to comprehend the world around them.

I'm not trying to start shit here but sometimes honesty hurts. There is the possiblity that a face like this one could potentially supplant that of a certain dog that occupies a special place in this blogger's life. I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying.

Can you really argue?! C'mon.


G-G G-G-G-G-Genet

Baby: Moooooooooooooo-oooooom
Momma: Shut up
Baby: Maaaaaaaa
Momma: ugh, what?
Baby: blaaaaaaaa

Just fucking awesmoe. I especially like his nose which was face-transplated from a meaner oranger cat. Or cat like thing. Fuck it! It's no-science-Thursday. This creature is the result of a cuteness obsessed super-race of aliens that have taken the cutest part of every animal on earth and made some kind of franken-kitten. Nice move alien cuddleholics.