FB MF'in F

Hmmmmm, smells like apple pie and Cherries Jubilie in here. It's like someone is making Bananas Foster AND Baked Alaska at the same fucking time. Something good must be happening. O, what's today? No, no, no, the day, not the date. What day of the week is it? It's Frrrrrrday and I ain't scrrrrrd.

It's been a minute, but we're back and diggin in the old gmail account for good love from y'll.
Ok, ok, sorry, jeez, PICS.

From the inscrutible Valerie, we have Sloth Glove. It's like Yakov Smirnov said, "In Russia, Sloth wears YOU!"

Where does this shit go down? Break me off a ticket to there. There's just sloths all up on the beach and i bet mad topless girls to boot. Have I mentioned how much I hate Jersey.

But enough about me, FBF is about the fans. This one's from Chris who signed his email "Cheers, Chris" So, I bet he's british or something. He sends us this baby chinese pangolin stuck to his mom's tail (the pangolin's mom, not chris'). He's kind fo just along for the ride except, if you fuck with his mom he'll gouge you with his razor sharp scales and stink up your life for like, fucking ever.
Kinda reminds me of a lizard riding a dragon, I wonder why.

Pancakes or waffles is still up, so keep voting. Rmember, it's only cheating (or vote fraud for that matter) if you get caught.


Pancakes or Waffles 11: Skool is for sukkers

Whutup assholes! Now, according to our resident statistician and back-rubber (read pedophile) over here at JALG, our readership has plummeted since our "summer break", which basically entailed a bout of real unadulterated laziness.

Regardless, what this means is that YOUR vote actually counts more now than ever. No, not you, dick. YOU, yeah you.

That being said, let's make some fucking brunch.

Our reigning champion (knees up splash), the Genet. He got by last time purely on those eyes. Sh-sh-shit, them's some pretty eyes. But, now they're closed so his primary weapon is off the table. How you gunna do it little guy without big 'ol dumbshit puppydog eyes to help you out? Huh? Wussat? Oh, I gotcha. You're gunna take the fuzzy little ball angle. Nice move.

Fucking crap, you stack 'em up on top of each other and they just get cuter than before. You can see the little burgeoning ringtail in the background. Nicely set against the terrycloth. The one on the bottom is just so face down and his little ears are just all pink and whatever. The one on top is dreaming of slaughtering his first guinea hen. Go get 'em sport.

Ok, I got some tough Competition here for yous guys. It's Juicy Fruit Week here on jalg so "Ugh, double up, Ugh Ugh." Someone is clearly waving a ..... they're waving around a ...... um, what the fuck do meerkats eat. Grass? Dirt? Got me. Maybe grasshoppers. Ooooohh, maybe roaches. Shit, remind me to pick up some meerkats.
Anyway, someone is dangling a big juicy whatever over there to our right and those meerkats want it. And I want the meerkats. That's a serious grip you got on those kats there bub, or lady or whatever.

Hey, bublady, I recognize that wedding band. You two timing animal double gripping. Nay, double double gripping fiend. You're fucking up gum week or whatever it's called.

We need your votes. Pick an animal and vote for it.


Ill Packa

It's shearing season, somewhere, and I'm honoring it with a tribute to the porn-stars of the animal kingdom, the alpacae.

Just like human porn stars, alpacae take great and attentive care of their young. Especially when they're shaved. A young shaved porn star is a young shaved porn star be they human or not. I think that the little one is sleeping on a rug of his own fur. How terribly ironic that would be if the alpaca fur weavers made rugs for the alpacae to lie about on out of their own hair. I'm freaking out.

You got a pretty mouth on you there mister. Oh yeah. He's kinda got an asymmetrical haircut going on. Not to mention an asymmetrical face. Maybe the haircut's straight and it's just an optical illusion.
Now I'm a sucker for dumb looking animals and there've been one or two on JALG in the past. But wow, this guy is really something. If you've ever seen If They Mated on Conan, you'll know that this is Keith Richards and Fabio. (That, by the way was the single most difficult mental exercise in the history of JALG).

Holy Fuck!
Imagine what a cat would do to this thing. It looks like a finger puppet or a senile giraffe-ware wolf creature. I'm going to go shave.

All courtesy of alpacaMine. I'm not sure if that's "mine" like "not yours. Or if it's "mine" like a place where you dig in the ground and find alpacae to sell. Hmmm.


The dirty dirty night

Alright Nikita, you beautiful goth skank you, here are you freaking baby bats. I don't even know if you're still around. You may have run off with Igor who i know is faking that stupid fucking romanian accent or whatever it is. But if you still care, here's the little blud-sukkers.

I swear to god that i didn't photoshop the blood into the syringe. It was like that. I could have, if i wanted to, but i didn't. You gotta believe me.
He wishes he had hands so bad or at least paws.
"Wings? WINGS? what the fuck is this wings bullshit man. no hands, no fingers no toes or digits or anything. What am i going to do with these? huh? FLY? do i look like i can fly? I'm a fucking baby you douche."

Speaking of baby's.... This really makes me think about scale. Not only is the baby right side up and super duper cuter. But his mom is upside down and quite easily just as cute. MILK : Mom I'd Like to Kuddle. It's like some kind of American Tale style universal motherhood of even the most vicious animals. Her wings even look like a nice shawl and not a leathery shroud. Nice work.
And the baby. Right-side-up in some kind of double reversal of uprightness. Unbelievable. And if I had one more thing to say it would be to loose the crappy Sears portrait background and just go with a starry sky or perhaps the movie poster for The Lost Boys.

Oh yeah! Check the flail. Where did homeslice with the TeQ watch get that blue hankey to money-grip this poor bastard with. How odd. I don't think i've ever seen tissues that color before. I prefer white tissues personally. Snot isn't something that i want to dress up in pretty colors, nor are adorably diseased baby animals for that matter.

It's like the skin on his chest is being stretched tight and he can breathe but it's making his stomach all upset. I'm pretty sure this was taken in the self-reflective instant just before he ralfs all over his own crotch. Clean that shit up with a blue tissue.


Where my womb at?

O shit sorry, my b. I mean wombat. Yay, wombat. The indominable go getterness of these delightful little turds never ceases to totally stir my internet wood. Smell me?I don't know what his secret is but he alread managed to get her fucking jacket off and now he's working on the pants. Starting at the knee? Fuck it, dude. Whatever works. He's your basic sausage shaped bundle of "suck-me-off"-that-thing-is-cute.

I bet you can just grab him by the armpits and lift him up and he'll just stare at you like: "ok what now?" And you end up giving HIM a dumb look like: "I hadn't really thought that far ahead"
And then "ok, well, here we are then." And you put him down and offer him a drink but he's all: "naw" and it sounds so goddamn smooth coming out of his mouth.

I think this is turning into a Vice "Do" so I'm out.


So, I moved from brooklyn to new jersey and let me tell you all the rumors are true. Jersey sucks. OMG. and i don't say that lightly. But i went out walkin today and they got all kinds of animals running around here which to me is weird because basicly, i abhor animals and all the dirt and diseas that they spread around. Ew, seriously. Also, blogger beta is giving me mad hassle and it's dark in here and i can't see the keyboard fucking bullshit ass cunt. That was a typo.

So the first animal i saw today was a badger, i think. What do i know about animals but he was running around like he had just snuck into a concert and was afraid of getting caught.

He didn't really look like this but this is pretty cute anyway i guess.
Looks like a grumpy old man. Relax dude, enjoy the rubdown.
Also, i don't think that the thing i saw was a badger. It might have been a really really fat squirrel because they have a lot of squirells out her. In particular they're famous for their black squirels which are really more brown and they have them in stuy town anyway. Did somebody buy up stuy town yet. Let me know, i don't have the internet here.

The next animal i saw was a gigantic fucking mean as shit looking buck. The only reason i say buck instead of deer is because i play big buck hunter sometimes and i know that the ones with the horns are called bucks. Needless to say i had no shotgun at hand so i just stared at this fucking thing which was twice my size and clearly itching for a fight. Stoic motherfuckers they are.

This picture again looks nothing like what i saw out there. This guys all cute and snuggly and camoflaged. The one i saw was wearing his charging boots.
Hide behind that tree little dude. Your dad's a big mean bastard and he's gunna beat the fuck out of you if he finds out what you did in the shed out back.

so cute