Back Log

OK, ok ok, jeezuz fucking christ. I so sorry that it's been so long and i still like the little guys i weely weely do. So, as outsourced to the fanbase , I give you some pictures of cute animals and crap.

Call me a scab but this jerboa is pretty f'in cute. A couple of things before i move on. First off, the nose is, dare i say, a truncated trunk. I call this dude l'il sniffer. Also, we see big ol giant ears which are tubular in nature and prompted my local argentine to call homeslice "a liddle gremline" HA! Don't cry for ME jerboa.
Alright, its good to be back. Easy there little fella, that finger that you're sucklin' seems to be attached to a committed member of the fairer species.
I'd love to front on the diaper but who am i kidding, I've had a pampers party or two in my day. Case of MGD, a bottle of robo, and the "murder she wrote" marathon on the boob tube. Lifetime motherfucker!
Dis Dude, is part of a series which i think should have been shot by Jill Greenberg. But that's just me and I'm jsut one man.
I mean come on. Im thinking, I'll take up skateboarding just to break some shit so that I can pick up chicks with the cast. Serious. This is irresistible, like chocolate icecream and pecan pie. Like midnight rendez vous's with strangers. (I know I fucked that spelling up but how am I supposed to pluralize some french that I don't even know how to singularize.)
ga. tanksLewis.

tiny animals on fingers, duh

Straight up:
http://www.crookedbrains.net/2007/11/tiny-animals-on-fingers.html
I love this shit.

PIAB

Possums in a box, (which reminds me of something). Thanks god for ctrl 'V' or else you'd never be able to make so many fucking copies of something (in this case 8). Or maybe its a photoshop brush.



My favorite aspects are the open mouths and plastic ears. There's something kinda terrifying about them like they're screaming or trying to eat you. Or both, but they're cute and they have a towel so they get JALGed. I really like the three guys lined up in the back like backup singers. A wee ma whe, a wee ma whe, etc. Is anyone out there looking for an unpaid internship as a video editor?

Beer Commercials that DIDN'T Make Me Cry

I think this counts. Fuck it, this counts:



Thanks TV in Japan

pidgin monkey pigeon

I never thought that I'd put a pigeon up on JALG because, while not domesticated, they are diseased vermin. Filthy disgusting festering airborne shit-wads. Urban turd bombardiers.

But I pulled this one twice today from Louis and Finn. Heartbreaking story aside, this picture is just too fucking cute:


You can read the story. Or just go back and look at Owen and Mzee or the tiger and monkey thing.

According to the article there's "a baby dear [sic] named Mi-Lu" that befriended a lurcher in '05 (what the fuck is a lurcher?). Cookies to whoever finds pics of them.

Superman that Ho

I've been told that these baby platypuses were rescued from a mine in Victoria a few months ago but that's impossible because they're doing the Soulja Boy which isn't that old. Nice try Marcus, but I'm not sucker.

But they're are pretty seriously cute. Seriously. Look at that flesh flap above their little beaks. These things are fucking bananas, right? I'm kinda wigging out trying to imagine what they feel like. Squishy, fuzzy, stubbly. I bet the skin rolls between your fingers like a bulldog's or a nutsac.

ew
The little webbed toes are the piece de resistance though. And there's like a million of them floating all around the picture with tiny, surely leathal, little needles on the ends. And do beaks always have nostrils? These are the important questions.

African Wild Dogs

Yeah I know, I've been 'away'. But it wasn't all that bad. Get over it. In a sudden and unexpected spate of unemployment, I've picking up the old jalg reigns again. Mush bitches!


Mary sends us this adowabul shot of some african wild dogs. Cleverly slipping some canines in under the no-domesticate-animals radar. (chipwich, i see you, nuh).

Kinda a disgruntled teddy bear face smashing up cute and pissed. But who can resist those patchy little white underbellies. Also round little ears are pretty bearish. Not bearish like a down-market but bearish like a hairy dude in leather. You smell me.
Keep your little ears perked up, there's tigers in dis here steppe.

who's holdin?

probably DON'T put on your headphones for this so as to avoid the dumbshit wankstering of the peanut museum at the zoo. But DO watch the post-coital otters making snuggly in the bubbly:



-g-g-g-g-g-unit

thanks s - dot- fina

You know what? Well, do ya? Well, I'll tell ya. Things are just all right. Yeah. Juuuust fine. The BBC successfully faked me out for almost a decade with intelegent sounding british accents. Wankers! Their news reporting falls somewhere between my high school news paper and the scribblings of a deranged Welsh sheep sheeper. Blaaahhhhg.

But regardless of Claire Bolderson's total ineptitude, our good friends across the pond have provided me with the following greatness today.

THIS JUST IN: BABY MONKEYS AND BABY TIGERS LOVE EACHOTHER!.

Seriously, the monkey is all older sister to the tiger's little brother and she's reading him the book about owen and meze. Yay

And after a long reading sesh, everybody craps out on the floor watching teletubbies or somesuch.
I like the one on the bottom best. She's freaking out. Bad dream? "get off me"? who knows.

pango a go-go

We've seen pangolins before, but i think this fella wins the big-balls-on-a-little-dude award.
He seems so complacent. Like he's waiting for a snack or a nap or something. "Go ahead, yank the tail. I'm good here." I bet if textured glove man were to release the tail it'd flip back up and whack pango in the puss. (puss here meaning face, if you didn't get that). So, glovey, slowly re roll the tail so as to avoid injury and give the guy his fucking snack before he looses his patients and shoves that tail up your ass.

SIAB the movie

Fuck me, this is good. Real good.



Some fucking genius put a movie camera on this thing and it is unstoppable. The dude starts the movie by saying "somebody's awake" and 1:16 later somebody's asleep again, what a life! Said second sleep is preceded by a yawn that literally crack my computer screen (I headbutted it).

you remind me of me

This brings such a smile to my face. You should see me right now, I'm beaming. He is so excited to get into that beer but the poor lil guy can tget the angle without going headlong into the glass which would inevitably end in catastrophe. PLUS, he has little white feet and his nose is sooooo scrunched up and he kinda has bat ears and squinty little eyes. Not to mention the wrinkley neck and pelvic lump. And he's gunna tip the glass over, don't do it little guy. Cmon, i'll get you a straw.

Frischling

Ok, so what happens when you mix a deer and a chick and make it into a baby? Good question. I can't answer you. But I an comment on the innanity of you line of reasoning you cock faced luck sipper. Frischlings. They're the wave of the motherfucking future and if you don't recognize, brace yourself for dyin' times biatch.Ok so momma fucking pork, is all: mooooove or go. And the little babies look like raindeer even though there's some dead squirrel in there and they are just tiny new fucking jersey deer. I hate new jersey so much. or as yv says:


but wait...is that a dead squirrel on the ground???!!!

That's a dirrect quote. You can't make shit like this up.


These frischlings are the new avante garde. Go get em piggles.

I love you

boingboing.duck

It turns out that ducklings bounce afterall. My landlady's gunna be psyched that I'm not longer littering the yard with them.

Harbor barbar

I've been a bad wittle seal. Oh yeah. I should by no means be doing this blogging. Guilty busy. So, ..... sad, guilty .....pathetic .....eys. big, so big.


Premie Seal. Survivor. Go champ go. Fuck this world up. You're on this like white on seal. Jeezy christ. He's gunna open up his mouth like, "maaaaiaaiaaaa" and I'm gunn agrab him and lay down on my back and put him on my chest and yell back at him like. Yaaaaayaaayaaaaaa. And we'll like eachother's faces until the sun comes up - no homo.

more: Flickr, I harly know her.

Thanks d-d-d.d-d-d.d-moore

going down in a hail of cuteness

Ok, ok, ok, I give up, I can't fucking take it anymore. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry! I'm sitting here diligently masturbating for about 18 hours a day and all of a sudden like some kind of synchronized firing squad of adorable-mongers, like a million balls of cuteness hitting me in the face for hours and hours on end.


Sea Otters. Tiny little snuggly wuggly piles of heaped up squishy little fuzzy fleshy sleepy ....bllllarrrrgghhhh.

I can deal with this I swear.
Ok, let's start with the one on the bottom left. It's like they were playing and they just fucking passed out mid tumble. Did they go out at the same time or maybe the one on top crapped out pinning the other unsuspectingly underneath him. And then the bottom one succumbed to the heft of his bro.
What about the ones on the bottom right. They were put there for some kind of still life, perfectly aligned for perspectival view. And let's of course not forget about the heaping mounds of sea otter ice cream on the top. pour some chocolate sauce on those guys and let's eat.

Also,
Get your crazy money grips off my bear and stop trying to give me that baddass look. You're not tough, that bear is tough. "Should be the strongest bear in the world" at least according to the website where from i got the picture.

Thanks Misha and Stephanie

Now, as you all probably know, I'm not one to freak out over bonkers shit on the internet. But, check out Thumbelina, the world's smallest horse.

Full grown motherfucker.

Check the goofy look on her face and it's all so human. She's sitting in that way that when a dog sits like that people say "look, he thinks he's a person" And that's a dog. I don't even know whay you say when a horse sits like this. Horses don't sit period, what's going on. They sleep standing up
But she just looks so sad and lonely. "I'm the smallest horse in the whoooooooole world. I don't have any friends at all." Then she makes friends with the biggest rat in the world and it eats her. Ew, sorry.


Peep her website

via arbroath via squeaky from.

O Lord

What in god's name have you done here, man-upstairs? You fucked up bad this time. Real bad.

Anybody know what this thing is? Camel, llama, dramadary, drama queen? Whatever it is it's creepy. No wait, not creepy, scarey. Or more like, dreadful. Perhaps awe inspiring, yeah, that's it, awe inspiring. For starters, ....ughhh, I was going to start with the droopy ass humps, (dumpy monkey humps, check em out), but then I got distracted by the abnormally short legs and the jowelous neck mane. We've got this kinda floppy crusty dread thing going on and coupled with the aristocratic chin posture, we've got some serious colonial issues to deal with.
You think I'm done. You think I missed it, don't you? Well I didn't. This whole thing is prompted by the giant sex face lick coming in from the left side there. Whoa, get a room.

HUMP.

Pancakes or waffles 12: We Heart Foley

In the spirit of lacking the will and common sense to curb our every impulse, I dedicate this post to Rep. Mark Foley (R. FL). If you wanna touch a tween, go bonkers dude.

Moving on, We have a winner! No surprises, it's pancakes. Those ginets really tore the juglars out of the meerkats. Final tally: 27-6. Ouch.


Well g-g-g-genet, you got your work cut out for you because I have here a fake, taxidermied, plastic, rendered, imaginary tapir.

Of course, in midflight. His hind legs are so powerful that he can launch himself 1,000 feet into the air and his wings are so enormous that he lands as softly as a cotton ball on a pillow. Poof. -1 point for expressionless face. +10 for hillarious pose.

And the returning chmap. You got your work cut out for you this week g-g-g-genet. Sure you're showing early signs of disembowling ferocity. And yeah, I can see those big ears and funny little eyes. But where are you huh? In the wild? I think not. The wild isn't painted that weird purplish color and it certainly doesn't have clean sheets for you to shit all over.
But who am I kidding, you can claw my face off any day. I wuv you.

vote like your pathetic good-for-shit life is depending on it you fuck!

FB MF'in F

Hmmmmm, smells like apple pie and Cherries Jubilie in here. It's like someone is making Bananas Foster AND Baked Alaska at the same fucking time. Something good must be happening. O, what's today? No, no, no, the day, not the date. What day of the week is it? It's Frrrrrrday and I ain't scrrrrrd.

It's been a minute, but we're back and diggin in the old gmail account for good love from y'll.
Ok, ok, sorry, jeez, PICS.

From the inscrutible Valerie, we have Sloth Glove. It's like Yakov Smirnov said, "In Russia, Sloth wears YOU!"

Where does this shit go down? Break me off a ticket to there. There's just sloths all up on the beach and i bet mad topless girls to boot. Have I mentioned how much I hate Jersey.

But enough about me, FBF is about the fans. This one's from Chris who signed his email "Cheers, Chris" So, I bet he's british or something. He sends us this baby chinese pangolin stuck to his mom's tail (the pangolin's mom, not chris'). He's kind fo just along for the ride except, if you fuck with his mom he'll gouge you with his razor sharp scales and stink up your life for like, fucking ever.
Kinda reminds me of a lizard riding a dragon, I wonder why.

Pancakes or waffles is still up, so keep voting. Rmember, it's only cheating (or vote fraud for that matter) if you get caught.

Pancakes or Waffles 11: Skool is for sukkers

Whutup assholes! Now, according to our resident statistician and back-rubber (read pedophile) over here at JALG, our readership has plummeted since our "summer break", which basically entailed a bout of real unadulterated laziness.

Regardless, what this means is that YOUR vote actually counts more now than ever. No, not you, dick. YOU, yeah you.

That being said, let's make some fucking brunch.

Our reigning champion (knees up splash), the Genet. He got by last time purely on those eyes. Sh-sh-shit, them's some pretty eyes. But, now they're closed so his primary weapon is off the table. How you gunna do it little guy without big 'ol dumbshit puppydog eyes to help you out? Huh? Wussat? Oh, I gotcha. You're gunna take the fuzzy little ball angle. Nice move.

Fucking crap, you stack 'em up on top of each other and they just get cuter than before. You can see the little burgeoning ringtail in the background. Nicely set against the terrycloth. The one on the bottom is just so face down and his little ears are just all pink and whatever. The one on top is dreaming of slaughtering his first guinea hen. Go get 'em sport.

Ok, I got some tough Competition here for yous guys. It's Juicy Fruit Week here on jalg so "Ugh, double up, Ugh Ugh." Someone is clearly waving a ..... they're waving around a ...... um, what the fuck do meerkats eat. Grass? Dirt? Got me. Maybe grasshoppers. Ooooohh, maybe roaches. Shit, remind me to pick up some meerkats.
Anyway, someone is dangling a big juicy whatever over there to our right and those meerkats want it. And I want the meerkats. That's a serious grip you got on those kats there bub, or lady or whatever.

Hey, bublady, I recognize that wedding band. You two timing animal double gripping. Nay, double double gripping fiend. You're fucking up gum week or whatever it's called.

We need your votes. Pick an animal and vote for it.

Ill Packa

It's shearing season, somewhere, and I'm honoring it with a tribute to the porn-stars of the animal kingdom, the alpacae.

Just like human porn stars, alpacae take great and attentive care of their young. Especially when they're shaved. A young shaved porn star is a young shaved porn star be they human or not. I think that the little one is sleeping on a rug of his own fur. How terribly ironic that would be if the alpaca fur weavers made rugs for the alpacae to lie about on out of their own hair. I'm freaking out.

You got a pretty mouth on you there mister. Oh yeah. He's kinda got an asymmetrical haircut going on. Not to mention an asymmetrical face. Maybe the haircut's straight and it's just an optical illusion.
Now I'm a sucker for dumb looking animals and there've been one or two on JALG in the past. But wow, this guy is really something. If you've ever seen If They Mated on Conan, you'll know that this is Keith Richards and Fabio. (That, by the way was the single most difficult mental exercise in the history of JALG).


Holy Fuck!
Imagine what a cat would do to this thing. It looks like a finger puppet or a senile giraffe-ware wolf creature. I'm going to go shave.

All courtesy of alpacaMine. I'm not sure if that's "mine" like "not yours. Or if it's "mine" like a place where you dig in the ground and find alpacae to sell. Hmmm.

The dirty dirty night

Alright Nikita, you beautiful goth skank you, here are you freaking baby bats. I don't even know if you're still around. You may have run off with Igor who i know is faking that stupid fucking romanian accent or whatever it is. But if you still care, here's the little blud-sukkers.

I swear to god that i didn't photoshop the blood into the syringe. It was like that. I could have, if i wanted to, but i didn't. You gotta believe me.
He wishes he had hands so bad or at least paws.
"Wings? WINGS? what the fuck is this wings bullshit man. no hands, no fingers no toes or digits or anything. What am i going to do with these? huh? FLY? do i look like i can fly? I'm a fucking baby you douche."

Speaking of baby's.... This really makes me think about scale. Not only is the baby right side up and super duper cuter. But his mom is upside down and quite easily just as cute. MILK : Mom I'd Like to Kuddle. It's like some kind of American Tale style universal motherhood of even the most vicious animals. Her wings even look like a nice shawl and not a leathery shroud. Nice work.
And the baby. Right-side-up in some kind of double reversal of uprightness. Unbelievable. And if I had one more thing to say it would be to loose the crappy Sears portrait background and just go with a starry sky or perhaps the movie poster for The Lost Boys.

Oh yeah! Check the flail. Where did homeslice with the TeQ watch get that blue hankey to money-grip this poor bastard with. How odd. I don't think i've ever seen tissues that color before. I prefer white tissues personally. Snot isn't something that i want to dress up in pretty colors, nor are adorably diseased baby animals for that matter.

It's like the skin on his chest is being stretched tight and he can breathe but it's making his stomach all upset. I'm pretty sure this was taken in the self-reflective instant just before he ralfs all over his own crotch. Clean that shit up with a blue tissue.

Where my womb at?

O shit sorry, my b. I mean wombat. Yay, wombat. The indominable go getterness of these delightful little turds never ceases to totally stir my internet wood. Smell me?I don't know what his secret is but he alread managed to get her fucking jacket off and now he's working on the pants. Starting at the knee? Fuck it, dude. Whatever works. He's your basic sausage shaped bundle of "suck-me-off"-that-thing-is-cute.

I bet you can just grab him by the armpits and lift him up and he'll just stare at you like: "ok what now?" And you end up giving HIM a dumb look like: "I hadn't really thought that far ahead"
And then "ok, well, here we are then." And you put him down and offer him a drink but he's all: "naw" and it sounds so goddamn smooth coming out of his mouth.

I think this is turning into a Vice "Do" so I'm out.

So, I moved from brooklyn to new jersey and let me tell you all the rumors are true. Jersey sucks. OMG. and i don't say that lightly. But i went out walkin today and they got all kinds of animals running around here which to me is weird because basicly, i abhor animals and all the dirt and diseas that they spread around. Ew, seriously. Also, blogger beta is giving me mad hassle and it's dark in here and i can't see the keyboard fucking bullshit ass cunt. That was a typo.


So the first animal i saw today was a badger, i think. What do i know about animals but he was running around like he had just snuck into a concert and was afraid of getting caught.

He didn't really look like this but this is pretty cute anyway i guess.
Looks like a grumpy old man. Relax dude, enjoy the rubdown.
Also, i don't think that the thing i saw was a badger. It might have been a really really fat squirrel because they have a lot of squirells out her. In particular they're famous for their black squirels which are really more brown and they have them in stuy town anyway. Did somebody buy up stuy town yet. Let me know, i don't have the internet here.

The next animal i saw was a gigantic fucking mean as shit looking buck. The only reason i say buck instead of deer is because i play big buck hunter sometimes and i know that the ones with the horns are called bucks. Needless to say i had no shotgun at hand so i just stared at this fucking thing which was twice my size and clearly itching for a fight. Stoic motherfuckers they are.


This picture again looks nothing like what i saw out there. This guys all cute and snuggly and camoflaged. The one i saw was wearing his charging boots.
Hide behind that tree little dude. Your dad's a big mean bastard and he's gunna beat the fuck out of you if he finds out what you did in the shed out back.

so cute

Great Stroy

Cancun, summer, 1999, spring break. Fucking spring break motherfuckers.
Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It's tatooin' time and there's this little place on the corner call "Tat For Tit" and man the honeys are coming in and out of there. So, one tequilla, two tequilla, three tequilla, .... floor?
I'm out dood and I mean OUT. There's like all these fucking shirpas and shit talkin to me and I'm like seeing medicine men and shit. I mean I was O-U-T OUT! Then I wake up in this cave and I have a headache like, ahhhggghghgggghhhhh. Nowamean? blaaaaaaaaaghhhggghhhggaaahh. And I'm looking around and the cave is like plastic or something and it's hollow and really small. And what do i see. This guy. This little fucking guy like black yoda strollin up and telling me he dragged me out of the gutter, took my money but not my wallet and nursed me back to health. I try to slug the little jedi for snaggin my shit but i don't have the strength.
Long story short, to repay my debt of gratitute I got his likeness tatooed on my ass.


Thanks, guy.

Who wants to play a quick game of scenario!
Look how sad he looks. This is clearly a case of pent up shit-kicking peubescent angst. Dimensia-precocks if you will. O i will.

The game goes like this: We think of scenarios to match the picture. Duh?!!

I'll start. Tortured by his horrendous foreskin-like skin problems, this baby aardvard has taken to bashing his head against the side of this dirt bin. This releases a chemical in his brain that is like having sex. Or eating chocolate if you're into that sort of thing but i've always believed it to be a cheap substitute. Anyway, the unintended side effect here is gigantism of the hands or front paws or claws or whatever you call em.
Gak. So much for that hot date tonight. Now you're all nutted out and big handed. That's not gunna get you anywhere and your skin still looks like scrote. Bummer.

monkey torture

A little something from the old days.



enjoy

How do you make a tiger love a pig? You get me drunk! Budum ching. Nope, truth is you wrap em in tiger blankets. So you get pigs in blankets. Little did you know that in your refusal to let me quit, I changed formats and now JALG is all cornball all the time.
So here I'm looking at the one second from the right. I guess that would be the one who had none. He's backwards. I knew this girl in college who slathered everything she owned in exotic animal prints. I can't help but think she's resposible for this somehow.
Holy fuck, how did this arrangement come to pass. Were they placed there or did they climb up on their own free will. Does the tiger nurse them? Is the tiger kosher? I have so many questions.
Now, as a general rule, I don't like bows. But c'mon. Look how perfect the tiger's nose is. Get some snot on that thing or somethin.
So you take one creature, infamous for its voracious consumption, and another creature, infamous for its tender juicy flavor and you get them to snuggle. World peace is obtainable.
Shit, if I was that tiger I'd have a homebrew smoker up and running in about 20 minutes. Have me some baby back ribs, porchetta, mailino chops. Shit.

The sneak, and booya, underside head nuzzle. Gorgeous.
I'd like to thank my mom for the pics. (yeah i have a fucking mom. So what?)

Pancakes or Waffles 10 : I'm Baaaaack, killah

Ok, jeez you guys are relentless. I tried to ditch this thing but it followed me home and now it won't leave.

Also I was killing time because there are not a lot of pictures of cute fossas out there. But here's one, oh wait, two!

I call this the ultimate sucker punch. The one on the bottom, he's been hanging there for like 4 days waiting for what's his face to come across that rope and you know what's gunna happen when he does. KaPlapp.

But that'll just daze him. Then there'll be a 20 minute flesh tearing fest to see who's actually cuter.

See, I told you P or W was a better way. But no, you wanted the bloodbath you fucking maniac.

But how are you gunna take on this guy. Fight til your dead but this baby rusty spotted genet is about to snuggle his way right into your colon so he can eat you from the inside out. What are you going to do huh, punch yourself in the colon. Good luck with that.I really see here a kind of deconstructed adult genet. It's like all the same pieces but put together at a different scale. Maybe that's what all baby animals are. Just franken-adult animals. Whoa.

Alright, I freaking myself out. Go vote and don't fill up my comments section with that "it's good to have you back shit."

Parenthetical note: The other reason I didn't give up the blog is because I only got one submission from some uber-psycho who sent me a picture of a monkey sucking his own dick!
And then he had the audacity to not even mention that fact in his commentary. Wha!? That's

a) bordering on beastiality, which I'll talk about participating in but not really participate in.

b) Dodging your own hook.

c) Puritanically chaste in its avoidance.

d) Actually gross (that's why I'm not showing it)