6.06.2006

The dread pirate JALG

Hi,
So, I found this baby red panda on my doorstep. (How'd you find me nikkita?) And fuck if I know what to do with it. I'm cold and loveless and he really wants to snuggle. But that's just not my thing.

So, I'm giving away the baby red panda. Well not actually.

I AM GIVING AWAY JALG (pronounced as one sylable with a hard G sound).

That's right, you can WIN MY BLOG.

We're going to do this caption contest style. But with posts instead of captions. Send in submissions to jalg.soldier@gmail.com. I'll post the entries and we can vote on them. This time I get to vote too. (and also count, and cheat if I feel like it).

Remember, no fucking dogs or cats.

I'll come back from time to time but you people deserve better than having an absent and occasionally abusive blogger supplying you bitterly with the cuteness.

Some suggestions to get you started:
1. Google image search, dumbass.
2. You have to understand the animal before you can berate it.
3. There's still a strong lobby for baby bats.
4. If you can get JALG on boingboing (with proof) you will get extra concideration.
5. Extra concideration also for sexual favors.

Good luck, soldiers.

176 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't like this at all... please don't leave!

9:37 AM

 
Blogger Johnny Hazard said...

Yeah, I am going to second anonymous and boycott any of my own ideas regarding submissions.

IMO, you've a voice that cannot be matched and anyone else's voice belongs on a different blog.

Baby bats be damned. Dee Snyder would give his right, lyrca enshrouded left nut to have your exposure, man.

11:26 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, anyone who wants to run a blog like JALG can go make their own. The baby tapirs and bears in trees are only part of why I visit - the other part is you, Awww.

12:53 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i only visit this site because of aww. only. there is no other reason.

8:50 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...the fuck? Why would we want anyone else running this journal? You are the sole reason I'm here! Jesus, you think these animals alone turn me on? They're only the crust on this hot apple pie!

12:35 AM

 
Anonymous Flora said...

I hope this is a cruel joke! Without you, how will I laugh so hard I cry at the end of the day when I need JALG so badly? :-(


Seriously, you have a unique voice and I really enjoy your twisted commentary.

3:03 AM

 
Blogger emily said...

Hey, man, nothing's wrong with being absent and/or occasionally abusive... we don't "deserve" nothing! Give us what you can, when you can, no big deal if you need a month off or some such thing. No one else could do it right anyhow, like people have said you have a "singular voice" for reals.

3:49 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you leave that other site will have won. That cannot happen. Fuck hamsters, fuck kittens, fuck bunnies! Give us sloths and onanistic apes and bears humping trees and swear words and shady slang.

12:58 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, no, no. Don't leave! You're the draw here. I agree with everyone else. You're a funny, funny, guy! Don't go!

2:12 PM

 
Anonymous littletarsier said...

really, dude. we don't give a shit if you post once a month, for fuck's sake. we just want YOU to post HERE and not walk away from JALG. anyone complaining about posting frequency can go stuff a duck.

8:00 PM

 
Blogger ring. said...

Noooooo!!!
Please.. please, don't go... you know, like that New Kids' song! Bwaaaaaah!!! :****(

10:11 PM

 
Blogger sarah said...

awww, awww...you leaving would be as awful as letting that gross bear teach kindergarten. monkey kindergarten. with no lunch break. please stick around, yo!

3:18 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do you think there was such a huge Valerie backlash? It's cuz we love YOU, not some poser chick who I'm sure is super ugly and bitchy.

2:42 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do not go.

2:57 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't go

3:13 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you stop, it's like letting the fuzzy fuckers at Cute-Oh-Verload win. I rely on your jadded posts to stop me from punching my coworkers in the face. Please don't go. Your writing style and humor cannot be replaced.

5:07 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm not anonymous. I'm sean and you are doing a great job. if you're too busy, that's ok, but don't underestimate how much you brighten our days with the barest of efforts.

5:13 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll join the chorus. Don't leave.

9:13 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

seriously. we can get cute animals on cute overload. we can only get abusive commentary here! no substitutions!

2:19 PM

 
Anonymous baby said...

baby bats motherfucker! what does it all mean?? don't leave me JALG...you're my best drunken lover

5:58 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cannot possibly convey the degree to which JALG brightens up my workplace. Co-workers who would otherwise be grimacing at each other in Dilbert-esque misery instead greeting each other over the coffee machine with "Bluck bluck, motherfucker, throw your guns up!" or as we try to get into the office, blearily, "BADGE, motherfucker! BADGE!"

Seriously. Frequency be damned. KENNETH, WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY? Post when you can and want.

Squizzerel.

10:27 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please don't go! You're what makes this blog so great!

1:24 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck aww. I come here for the adorable animals and this rodcobbler is always fucking it up with his 'witticisms' aka shitticisms.

3:41 PM

 
Blogger pseudobunny said...

what the fuck man!!!!
do not go
i will porvide you with all the booze you need to keep this shit going!!

3:20 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mi amor,

"Extra concideration also for sexual favors."

Please consider sexual favors in exchange for keeping on with the site. What else can I do for you?

Please don't go!

6:51 PM

 
Blogger Jesse said...

If I can only get it once per month, then that's what I'll take. What brings me here is YOUR VOICE. If anyone else tried to take your place, they would either try to imitate your voice, or they would write in their own, and I'm here to hear you and no one else but you.

So fuck you---stay on or shut it down, but don't give it away. (And I can grant you sexual favors that will beat anything that any imposter could ever offer.)

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