JustALittleGuy

Back Log

2007-12-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

OK, ok ok, jeezuz fucking christ. I so sorry that it's been so long and i still like the little guys i weely weely do. So, as outsourced to the fanbase , I give you some pictures of cute animals and crap.

Call me a scab but this jerboa is pretty f'in cute. A couple of things before i move on. First off, the nose is, dare i say, a truncated trunk. I call this dude l'il sniffer. Also, we see big ol giant ears which are tubular in nature and prompted my local argentine to call homeslice "a liddle gremline" HA! Don't cry for ME jerboa.
Alright, its good to be back. Easy there little fella, that finger that you're sucklin' seems to be attached to a committed member of the fairer species.
I'd love to front on the diaper but who am i kidding, I've had a pampers party or two in my day. Case of MGD, a bottle of robo, and the "murder she wrote" marathon on the boob tube. Lifetime motherfucker!
Dis Dude, is part of a series which i think should have been shot by Jill Greenberg. But that's just me and I'm jsut one man.
I mean come on. Im thinking, I'll take up skateboarding just to break some shit so that I can pick up chicks with the cast. Serious. This is irresistible, like chocolate icecream and pecan pie. Like midnight rendez vous's with strangers. (I know I fucked that spelling up but how am I supposed to pluralize some french that I don't even know how to singularize.)
ga. tanksLewis.

tiny animals on fingers, duh

2007-11-30T02:38:00.000-05:00

Straight up:
http://www.crookedbrains.net/2007/11/tiny-animals-on-fingers.html
I love this shit.

PIAB

2007-10-06T11:52:00.000-04:00

Possums in a box, (which reminds me of something). Thanks god for ctrl 'V' or else you'd never be able to make so many fucking copies of something (in this case 8). Or maybe its a photoshop brush.

My favorite aspects are the open mouths and plastic ears. There's something kinda terrifying about them like they're screaming or trying to eat you. Or both, but they're cute and they have a towel so they get JALGed. I really like the three guys lined up in the back like backup singers. A wee ma whe, a wee ma whe, etc. Is anyone out there looking for an unpaid internship as a video editor?

Beer Commercials that DIDN'T Make Me Cry

2007-09-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

I think this counts. Fuck it, this counts:

Thanks TV in Japan

pidgin monkey pigeon

2007-09-14T10:22:00.000-04:00

I never thought that I'd put a pigeon up on JALG because, while not domesticated, they are diseased vermin. Filthy disgusting festering airborne shit-wads. Urban turd bombardiers.

But I pulled this one twice today from Louis and Finn. Heartbreaking story aside, this picture is just too fucking cute:

You can read the story. Or just go back and look at Owen and Mzee or the tiger and monkey thing.

According to the article there's "a baby dear [sic] named Mi-Lu" that befriended a lurcher in '05 (what the fuck is a lurcher?). Cookies to whoever finds pics of them.

Superman that Ho

2007-09-12T15:01:00.001-04:00

I've been told that these baby platypuses were rescued from a mine in Victoria a few months ago but that's impossible because they're doing the Soulja Boy which isn't that old. Nice try Marcus, but I'm not sucker.

But they're are pretty seriously cute. Seriously. Look at that flesh flap above their little beaks. These things are fucking bananas, right? I'm kinda wigging out trying to imagine what they feel like. Squishy, fuzzy, stubbly. I bet the skin rolls between your fingers like a bulldog's or a nutsac.

ew
The little webbed toes are the piece de resistance though. And there's like a million of them floating all around the picture with tiny, surely leathal, little needles on the ends. And do beaks always have nostrils? These are the important questions.

African Wild Dogs

2007-09-11T10:54:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know, I've been 'away'. But it wasn't all that bad. Get over it. In a sudden and unexpected spate of unemployment, I've picking up the old jalg reigns again. Mush bitches!

Mary sends us this adowabul shot of some african wild dogs. Cleverly slipping some canines in under the no-domesticate-animals radar. (chipwich, i see you, nuh).

Kinda a disgruntled teddy bear face smashing up cute and pissed. But who can resist those patchy little white underbellies. Also round little ears are pretty bearish. Not bearish like a down-market but bearish like a hairy dude in leather. You smell me.
Keep your little ears perked up, there's tigers in dis here steppe.

who's holdin?

2007-03-29T17:39:00.000-04:00

probably DON'T put on your headphones for this so as to avoid the dumbshit wankstering of the peanut museum at the zoo. But DO watch the post-coital otters making snuggly in the bubbly:

-g-g-g-g-g-unit

thanks s - dot- fina

2007-02-28T23:01:00.000-05:00

You know what? Well, do ya? Well, I'll tell ya. Things are just all right. Yeah. Juuuust fine. The BBC successfully faked me out for almost a decade with intelegent sounding british accents. Wankers! Their news reporting falls somewhere between my high school news paper and the scribblings of a deranged Welsh sheep sheeper. Blaaahhhhg.

But regardless of Claire Bolderson's total ineptitude, our good friends across the pond have provided me with the following greatness today.

THIS JUST IN: BABY MONKEYS AND BABY TIGERS LOVE EACHOTHER!.

Seriously, the monkey is all older sister to the tiger's little brother and she's reading him the book about owen and meze. Yay

And after a long reading sesh, everybody craps out on the floor watching teletubbies or somesuch.
I like the one on the bottom best. She's freaking out. Bad dream? "get off me"? who knows.

pango a go-go

2007-02-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

We've seen pangolins before, but i think this fella wins the big-balls-on-a-little-dude award.
He seems so complacent. Like he's waiting for a snack or a nap or something. "Go ahead, yank the tail. I'm good here." I bet if textured glove man were to release the tail it'd flip back up and whack pango in the puss. (puss here meaning face, if you didn't get that). So, glovey, slowly re roll the tail so as to avoid injury and give the guy his fucking snack before he looses his patients and shoves that tail up your ass.

SIAB the movie

2007-02-10T08:56:00.000-05:00

Fuck me, this is good. Real good.

Some fucking genius put a movie camera on this thing and it is unstoppable. The dude starts the movie by saying "somebody's awake" and 1:16 later somebody's asleep again, what a life! Said second sleep is preceded by a yawn that literally crack my computer screen (I headbutted it).

you remind me of me

2007-02-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

This brings such a smile to my face. You should see me right now, I'm beaming. He is so excited to get into that beer but the poor lil guy can tget the angle without going headlong into the glass which would inevitably end in catastrophe. PLUS, he has little white feet and his nose is sooooo scrunched up and he kinda has bat ears and squinty little eyes. Not to mention the wrinkley neck and pelvic lump. And he's gunna tip the glass over, don't do it little guy. Cmon, i'll get you a straw.

Frischling

2006-12-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, so what happens when you mix a deer and a chick and make it into a baby? Good question. I can't answer you. But I an comment on the innanity of you line of reasoning you cock faced luck sipper. Frischlings. They're the wave of the motherfucking future and if you don't recognize, brace yourself for dyin' times biatch.Ok so momma fucking pork, is all: mooooove or go. And the little babies look like raindeer even though there's some dead squirrel in there and they are just tiny new fucking jersey deer. I hate new jersey so much. or as yv says:

but wait...is that a dead squirrel on the ground???!!!

That's a dirrect quote. You can't make shit like this up.

These frischlings are the new avante garde. Go get em piggles.

I love you

boingboing.duck

2006-12-18T20:20:00.000-05:00

It turns out that ducklings bounce afterall. My landlady's gunna be psyched that I'm not longer littering the yard with them.

Harbor barbar

2006-12-07T00:55:00.000-05:00

I've been a bad wittle seal. Oh yeah. I should by no means be doing this blogging. Guilty busy. So, ..... sad, guilty .....pathetic .....eys. big, so big.

Premie Seal. Survivor. Go champ go. Fuck this world up. You're on this like white on seal. Jeezy christ. He's gunna open up his mouth like, "maaaaiaaiaaaa" and I'm gunn agrab him and lay down on my back and put him on my chest and yell back at him like. Yaaaaayaaayaaaaaa. And we'll like eachother's faces until the sun comes up - no homo.

more: Flickr, I harly know her.

Thanks d-d-d.d-d-d.d-moore

going down in a hail of cuteness

2006-11-28T17:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, ok, I give up, I can't fucking take it anymore. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry! I'm sitting here diligently masturbating for about 18 hours a day and all of a sudden like some kind of synchronized firing squad of adorable-mongers, like a million balls of cuteness hitting me in the face for hours and hours on end.

Sea Otters. Tiny little snuggly wuggly piles of heaped up squishy little fuzzy fleshy sleepy ....bllllarrrrgghhhh.

I can deal with this I swear.
Ok, let's start with the one on the bottom left. It's like they were playing and they just fucking passed out mid tumble. Did they go out at the same time or maybe the one on top crapped out pinning the other unsuspectingly underneath him. And then the bottom one succumbed to the heft of his bro.
What about the ones on the bottom right. They were put there for some kind of still life, perfectly aligned for perspectival view. And let's of course not forget about the heaping mounds of sea otter ice cream on the top. pour some chocolate sauce on those guys and let's eat.

Also,
Get your crazy money grips off my bear and stop trying to give me that baddass look. You're not tough, that bear is tough. "Should be the strongest bear in the world" at least according to the website where from i got the picture.

Thanks Misha and Stephanie

2006-10-10T14:41:00.000-04:00

Now, as you all probably know, I'm not one to freak out over bonkers shit on the internet. But, check out Thumbelina, the world's smallest horse.

Full grown motherfucker.

Check the goofy look on her face and it's all so human. She's sitting in that way that when a dog sits like that people say "look, he thinks he's a person" And that's a dog. I don't even know whay you say when a horse sits like this. Horses don't sit period, what's going on. They sleep standing up
But she just looks so sad and lonely. "I'm the smallest horse in the whoooooooole world. I don't have any friends at all." Then she makes friends with the biggest rat in the world and it eats her. Ew, sorry.

Peep her website

via arbroath via squeaky from.

O Lord

2006-10-06T12:21:00.000-04:00

What in god's name have you done here, man-upstairs? You fucked up bad this time. Real bad.

Anybody know what this thing is? Camel, llama, dramadary, drama queen? Whatever it is it's creepy. No wait, not creepy, scarey. Or more like, dreadful. Perhaps awe inspiring, yeah, that's it, awe inspiring. For starters, ....ughhh, I was going to start with the droopy ass humps, (dumpy monkey humps, check em out), but then I got distracted by the abnormally short legs and the jowelous neck mane. We've got this kinda floppy crusty dread thing going on and coupled with the aristocratic chin posture, we've got some serious colonial issues to deal with.
You think I'm done. You think I missed it, don't you? Well I didn't. This whole thing is prompted by the giant sex face lick coming in from the left side there. Whoa, get a room.

HUMP.

Pancakes or waffles 12: We Heart Foley

2006-10-03T22:55:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of lacking the will and common sense to curb our every impulse, I dedicate this post to Rep. Mark Foley (R. FL). If you wanna touch a tween, go bonkers dude.

Moving on, We have a winner! No surprises, it's pancakes. Those ginets really tore the juglars out of the meerkats. Final tally: 27-6. Ouch.

Well g-g-g-genet, you got your work cut out for you because I have here a fake, taxidermied, plastic, rendered, imaginary tapir.

Of course, in midflight. His hind legs are so powerful that he can launch himself 1,000 feet into the air and his wings are so enormous that he lands as softly as a cotton ball on a pillow. Poof. -1 point for expressionless face. +10 for hillarious pose.

And the returning chmap. You got your work cut out for you this week g-g-g-genet. Sure you're showing early signs of disembowling ferocity. And yeah, I can see those big ears and funny little eyes. But where are you huh? In the wild? I think not. The wild isn't painted that weird purplish color and it certainly doesn't have clean sheets for you to shit all over.
But who am I kidding, you can claw my face off any day. I wuv you.

vote like your pathetic good-for-shit life is depending on it you fuck!

FB MF'in F

2006-09-29T13:41:00.001-04:00

Hmmmmm, smells like apple pie and Cherries Jubilie in here. It's like someone is making Bananas Foster AND Baked Alaska at the same fucking time. Something good must be happening. O, what's today? No, no, no, the day, not the date. What day of the week is it? It's Frrrrrrday and I ain't scrrrrrd.

It's been a minute, but we're back and diggin in the old gmail account for good love from y'll.
Ok, ok, sorry, jeez, PICS.

From the inscrutible Valerie, we have Sloth Glove. It's like Yakov Smirnov said, "In Russia, Sloth wears YOU!"

Where does this shit go down? Break me off a ticket to there. There's just sloths all up on the beach and i bet mad topless girls to boot. Have I mentioned how much I hate Jersey.

But enough about me, FBF is about the fans. This one's from Chris who signed his email "Cheers, Chris" So, I bet he's british or something. He sends us this baby chinese pangolin stuck to his mom's tail (the pangolin's mom, not chris'). He's kind fo just along for the ride except, if you fuck with his mom he'll gouge you with his razor sharp scales and stink up your life for like, fucking ever.
Kinda reminds me of a lizard riding a dragon, I wonder why.

Pancakes or waffles is still up, so keep voting. Rmember, it's only cheating (or vote fraud for that matter) if you get caught.

Pancakes or Waffles 11: Skool is for sukkers

2006-09-27T20:04:00.000-04:00

Whutup assholes! Now, according to our resident statistician and back-rubber (read pedophile) over here at JALG, our readership has plummeted since our "summer break", which basically entailed a bout of real unadulterated laziness.

Regardless, what this means is that YOUR vote actually counts more now than ever. No, not you, dick. YOU, yeah you.

That being said, let's make some fucking brunch.

Our reigning champion (knees up splash), the Genet. He got by last time purely on those eyes. Sh-sh-shit, them's some pretty eyes. But, now they're closed so his primary weapon is off the table. How you gunna do it little guy without big 'ol dumbshit puppydog eyes to help you out? Huh? Wussat? Oh, I gotcha. You're gunna take the fuzzy little ball angle. Nice move.

Fucking crap, you stack 'em up on top of each other and they just get cuter than before. You can see the little burgeoning ringtail in the background. Nicely set against the terrycloth. The one on the bottom is just so face down and his little ears are just all pink and whatever. The one on top is dreaming of slaughtering his first guinea hen. Go get 'em sport.

Ok, I got some tough Competition here for yous guys. It's Juicy Fruit Week here on jalg so "Ugh, double up, Ugh Ugh." Someone is clearly waving a ..... they're waving around a ...... um, what the fuck do meerkats eat. Grass? Dirt? Got me. Maybe grasshoppers. Ooooohh, maybe roaches. Shit, remind me to pick up some meerkats.
Anyway, someone is dangling a big juicy whatever over there to our right and those meerkats want it. And I want the meerkats. That's a serious grip you got on those kats there bub, or lady or whatever.

Hey, bublady, I recognize that wedding band. You two timing animal double gripping. Nay, double double gripping fiend. You're fucking up gum week or whatever it's called.

We need your votes. Pick an animal and vote for it.

Ill Packa

2006-09-24T22:50:00.000-04:00

It's shearing season, somewhere, and I'm honoring it with a tribute to the porn-stars of the animal kingdom, the alpacae.

Just like human porn stars, alpacae take great and attentive care of their young. Especially when they're shaved. A young shaved porn star is a young shaved porn star be they human or not. I think that the little one is sleeping on a rug of his own fur. How terribly ironic that would be if the alpaca fur weavers made rugs for the alpacae to lie about on out of their own hair. I'm freaking out.

You got a pretty mouth on you there mister. Oh yeah. He's kinda got an asymmetrical haircut going on. Not to mention an asymmetrical face. Maybe the haircut's straight and it's just an optical illusion.
Now I'm a sucker for dumb looking animals and there've been one or two on JALG in the past. But wow, this guy is really something. If you've ever seen If They Mated on Conan, you'll know that this is Keith Richards and Fabio. (That, by the way was the single most difficult mental exercise in the history of JALG).

Holy Fuck!
Imagine what a cat would do to this thing. It looks like a finger puppet or a senile giraffe-ware wolf creature. I'm going to go shave.

All courtesy of alpacaMine. I'm not sure if that's "mine" like "not yours. Or if it's "mine" like a place where you dig in the ground and find alpacae to sell. Hmmm.

The dirty dirty night

2006-09-20T15:48:00.000-04:00

Alright Nikita, you beautiful goth skank you, here are you freaking baby bats. I don't even know if you're still around. You may have run off with Igor who i know is faking that stupid fucking romanian accent or whatever it is. But if you still care, here's the little blud-sukkers.

I swear to god that i didn't photoshop the blood into the syringe. It was like that. I could have, if i wanted to, but i didn't. You gotta believe me.
He wishes he had hands so bad or at least paws.
"Wings? WINGS? what the fuck is this wings bullshit man. no hands, no fingers no toes or digits or anything. What am i going to do with these? huh? FLY? do i look like i can fly? I'm a fucking baby you douche."

Speaking of baby's.... This really makes me think about scale. Not only is the baby right side up and super duper cuter. But his mom is upside down and quite easily just as cute. MILK : Mom I'd Like to Kuddle. It's like some kind of American Tale style universal motherhood of even the most vicious animals. Her wings even look like a nice shawl and not a leathery shroud. Nice work.
And the baby. Right-side-up in some kind of double reversal of uprightness. Unbelievable. And if I had one more thing to say it would be to loose the crappy Sears portrait background and just go with a starry sky or perhaps the movie poster for The Lost Boys.

Oh yeah! Check the flail. Where did homeslice with the TeQ watch get that blue hankey to money-grip this poor bastard with. How odd. I don't think i've ever seen tissues that color before. I prefer white tissues personally. Snot isn't something that i want to dress up in pretty colors, nor are adorably diseased baby animals for that matter.

It's like the skin on his chest is being stretched tight and he can breathe but it's making his stomach all upset. I'm pretty sure this was taken in the self-reflective instant just before he ralfs all over his own crotch. Clean that shit up with a blue tissue.

Where my womb at?

2006-09-15T21:16:00.000-04:00

O shit sorry, my b. I mean wombat. Yay, wombat. The indominable go getterness of these delightful little turds never ceases to totally stir my internet wood. Smell me?I don't know what his secret is but he alread managed to get her fucking jacket off and now he's working on the pants. Starting at the knee? Fuck it, dude. Whatever works. He's your basic sausage shaped bundle of "suck-me-off"-that-thing-is-cute.

I bet you can just grab him by the armpits and lift him up and he'll just stare at you like: "ok what now?" And you end up giving HIM a dumb look like: "I hadn't really thought that far ahead"
And then "ok, well, here we are then." And you put him down and offer him a drink but he's all: "naw" and it sounds so goddamn smooth coming out of his mouth.

I think this is turning into a Vice "Do" so I'm out.

2006-09-09T20:58:00.000-04:00

So, I moved from brooklyn to new jersey and let me tell you all the rumors are true. Jersey sucks. OMG. and i don't say that lightly. But i went out walkin today and they got all kinds of animals running around here which to me is weird because basicly, i abhor animals and all the dirt and diseas that they spread around. Ew, seriously. Also, blogger beta is giving me mad hassle and it's dark in here and i can't see the keyboard fucking bullshit ass cunt. That was a typo.

So the first animal i saw today was a badger, i think. What do i know about animals but he was running around like he had just snuck into a concert and was afraid of getting caught.

He didn't really look like this but this is pretty cute anyway i guess.
Looks like a grumpy old man. Relax dude, enjoy the rubdown.
Also, i don't think that the thing i saw was a badger. It might have been a really really fat squirrel because they have a lot of squirells out her. In particular they're famous for their black squirels which are really more brown and they have them in stuy town anyway. Did somebody buy up stuy town yet. Let me know, i don't have the internet here.

The next animal i saw was a gigantic fucking mean as shit looking buck. The only reason i say buck instead of deer is because i play big buck hunter sometimes and i know that the ones with the horns are called bucks. Needless to say i had no shotgun at hand so i just stared at this fucking thing which was twice my size and clearly itching for a fight. Stoic motherfuckers they are.

This picture again looks nothing like what i saw out there. This guys all cute and snuggly and camoflaged. The one i saw was wearing his charging boots.
Hide behind that tree little dude. Your dad's a big mean bastard and he's gunna beat the fuck out of you if he finds out what you did in the shed out back.

so cute

Great Stroy

2006-08-25T18:37:00.000-04:00

Cancun, summer, 1999, spring break. Fucking spring break motherfuckers.
Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It's tatooin' time and there's this little place on the corner call "Tat For Tit" and man the honeys are coming in and out of there. So, one tequilla, two tequilla, three tequilla, .... floor?
I'm out dood and I mean OUT. There's like all these fucking shirpas and shit talkin to me and I'm like seeing medicine men and shit. I mean I was O-U-T OUT! Then I wake up in this cave and I have a headache like, ahhhggghghgggghhhhh. Nowamean? blaaaaaaaaaghhhggghhhggaaahh. And I'm looking around and the cave is like plastic or something and it's hollow and really small. And what do i see. This guy. This little fucking guy like black yoda strollin up and telling me he dragged me out of the gutter, took my money but not my wallet and nursed me back to health. I try to slug the little jedi for snaggin my shit but i don't have the strength.
Long story short, to repay my debt of gratitute I got his likeness tatooed on my ass.

Thanks, guy.

2006-08-20T19:04:00.000-04:00

Who wants to play a quick game of scenario!
Look how sad he looks. This is clearly a case of pent up shit-kicking peubescent angst. Dimensia-precocks if you will. O i will.

The game goes like this: We think of scenarios to match the picture. Duh?!!

I'll start. Tortured by his horrendous foreskin-like skin problems, this baby aardvard has taken to bashing his head against the side of this dirt bin. This releases a chemical in his brain that is like having sex. Or eating chocolate if you're into that sort of thing but i've always believed it to be a cheap substitute. Anyway, the unintended side effect here is gigantism of the hands or front paws or claws or whatever you call em.
Gak. So much for that hot date tonight. Now you're all nutted out and big handed. That's not gunna get you anywhere and your skin still looks like scrote. Bummer.

monkey torture

2006-08-12T16:29:00.000-04:00

A little something from the old days.

enjoy

2006-06-23T10:15:00.000-04:00

How do you make a tiger love a pig? You get me drunk! Budum ching. Nope, truth is you wrap em in tiger blankets. So you get pigs in blankets. Little did you know that in your refusal to let me quit, I changed formats and now JALG is all cornball all the time.
So here I'm looking at the one second from the right. I guess that would be the one who had none. He's backwards. I knew this girl in college who slathered everything she owned in exotic animal prints. I can't help but think she's resposible for this somehow.
Holy fuck, how did this arrangement come to pass. Were they placed there or did they climb up on their own free will. Does the tiger nurse them? Is the tiger kosher? I have so many questions.
Now, as a general rule, I don't like bows. But c'mon. Look how perfect the tiger's nose is. Get some snot on that thing or somethin.
So you take one creature, infamous for its voracious consumption, and another creature, infamous for its tender juicy flavor and you get them to snuggle. World peace is obtainable.
Shit, if I was that tiger I'd have a homebrew smoker up and running in about 20 minutes. Have me some baby back ribs, porchetta, mailino chops. Shit.

The sneak, and booya, underside head nuzzle. Gorgeous.
I'd like to thank my mom for the pics. (yeah i have a fucking mom. So what?)

Pancakes or Waffles 10 : I'm Baaaaack, killah

2006-06-13T20:44:00.000-04:00

Ok, jeez you guys are relentless. I tried to ditch this thing but it followed me home and now it won't leave.

Also I was killing time because there are not a lot of pictures of cute fossas out there. But here's one, oh wait, two!

I call this the ultimate sucker punch. The one on the bottom, he's been hanging there for like 4 days waiting for what's his face to come across that rope and you know what's gunna happen when he does. KaPlapp.

But that'll just daze him. Then there'll be a 20 minute flesh tearing fest to see who's actually cuter.

See, I told you P or W was a better way. But no, you wanted the bloodbath you fucking maniac.

But how are you gunna take on this guy. Fight til your dead but this baby rusty spotted genet is about to snuggle his way right into your colon so he can eat you from the inside out. What are you going to do huh, punch yourself in the colon. Good luck with that.I really see here a kind of deconstructed adult genet. It's like all the same pieces but put together at a different scale. Maybe that's what all baby animals are. Just franken-adult animals. Whoa.

Alright, I freaking myself out. Go vote and don't fill up my comments section with that "it's good to have you back shit."

Parenthetical note: The other reason I didn't give up the blog is because I only got one submission from some uber-psycho who sent me a picture of a monkey sucking his own dick!
And then he had the audacity to not even mention that fact in his commentary. Wha!? That's

a) bordering on beastiality, which I'll talk about participating in but not really participate in.

b) Dodging your own hook.

c) Puritanically chaste in its avoidance.

d) Actually gross (that's why I'm not showing it)

The dread pirate JALG

2006-06-06T21:25:00.000-04:00

Hi,
So, I found this baby red panda on my doorstep. (How'd you find me nikkita?) And fuck if I know what to do with it. I'm cold and loveless and he really wants to snuggle. But that's just not my thing.

So, I'm giving away the baby red panda. Well not actually.

I AM GIVING AWAY JALG (pronounced as one sylable with a hard G sound).

That's right, you can WIN MY BLOG.

We're going to do this caption contest style. But with posts instead of captions. Send in submissions to jalg.soldier@gmail.com. I'll post the entries and we can vote on them. This time I get to vote too. (and also count, and cheat if I feel like it).

Remember, no fucking dogs or cats.

I'll come back from time to time but you people deserve better than having an absent and occasionally abusive blogger supplying you bitterly with the cuteness.

Some suggestions to get you started:
1. Google image search, dumbass.
2. You have to understand the animal before you can berate it.
3. There's still a strong lobby for baby bats.
4. If you can get JALG on boingboing (with proof) you will get extra concideration.
5. Extra concideration also for sexual favors.

Good luck, soldiers.

Pancakes or Waffles Part 9

2006-05-30T00:16:00.000-04:00

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh shit it is on.

The contender, going up against the great masturbating ape. The little guy. Baby bittle wittle bottle fossa! Bring it bitch! You trying to get at me? Huh? I will break you. You want puppy dog eyes? I tear that shit out and eat it whole.
Fuck a dog, kill a dog, shot gats at all dem other blogs. Bluck bluckbluck.
Anybody other than me seeing the slight downward tilt on the outside of his eyes. Desperation is how i read that, sweet lovable desperation.

And the crown-holding, cock-scolding, ass-reaming, brooklyn-steaming ape of rape. The clean sanchez. Raise the roof and praise the poof for the one the only bonobo.
woooooooooooooosh.
He took took out the BIAT and I personally am P.O. Ticked, peaved miffed and downright angry. I could just......I could just .......hrumph.

Here's the little guy now. I wonder where his other hand is. Huh? Is his mom coaching him through a wank? I bet. He's looking up for some moral support and also some tit. Kinda biting his lip. Looks scared but excited all at the same time. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Who will ookie on the cookie. Fossa? Bonono? Well probably bonobo. But that's not what we're here for, we're her for pancakes or waffles and damnit we need votes.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go!

nom de fbf

2006-05-26T10:50:00.000-04:00

Hey kiddos,,
I knowI've been lazy and crazy and sleazy and leacherous. But here's some FBF for your mind one time for your mind.

Lots of big eyes coming in this week.

Valerie, the everloving valerie, gives us this bush baby.Puppy dog eyes with out all the puppy dog. Fucking sweet. Its like a fraken-little dude. He's kinda got a skunk stripe runnin down the back there. Ohhh, where's this going. Some kind of genetically engineered super dude.

Ahhhh tarsier, also from the val. She points out the preponderence of digits and rightly so may I add.First off what did I say about the eyes. Fucking uge. Second of all, what's up with those fucking eyes. I have trouble identifying colors and that one right there is completely uncategorizible as far as I'm concerned. Fuck it, I say brown.

Weeeeee little thing with big ass eyes. From Image_Shifter. Let's see, assume that this is an enormouse person with disproportionately large hands on which he has fingers that are abnormily enormous.
Even so, this thing would be about the size of a snow pea. I will now veer sharply from the culinary path and proceded directly to wondering if it can fly. It's a baby possum btw. They rule. If it could talk, it would say: "Good sir, I duely protest to this line of reasoning." and then it would bop you on the head with a can, the handle of which was an elephant head carved from sustainably harvested ivory.

go friday, it's your birthday

2006-05-19T13:03:00.000-04:00

Degu. It means marble in mandarin. And it mean cat food in turkish.
These both came from Valerie. We know valerie.
It's like he's coming out of the fog to rescue me form some bender that has gone so badly that I think it's going well. He'll nurse me back to sobriety and sanity. This time's for real.

And sorry Image_Shifter but I'm invoking the "you can't monopolize all of FBF just because you have more free time than everybody else. So, you get at most 5 pictures unless there is a coherant theme that is interupted by omitting one or more of your pictures" rule.

Tapir. Unfortunately, no hands. But still gots to maintain that dental hygene right? I give you, the tapir toothbrush. Imagine how his ass shakes back and forth when he rubs his face on it. There's a center of gravity issue with the fact that his head is so big compared to his body. head goes left, body goes right, etc.. And his ass is pink. Hehe.

I think this is a pygmy loris. Not bad.

Uh doubleup uh uh. They come in pairs too.

In light of the recent bear monkey fiasco in Dutchland. I give you sloth bears.
Also the taint swangler. Turns out when they're babies, they actually cute and not flashing grundle or mauling some innocent primate. Who knew?
T.I.A.B Anybody? anybody? no?

Ok, never mind.

Pudu. You said it man. That animal isn't cute. Oh shit what's that hiding in between her legs.
Baby pudu. Now that shit is cute. He so timid. I think they walk backwards until they're like 6 or something. Keep on banin' into shit ass first. Thump. Thud. Bump.

And finally from Christina, the baby gouti.
What is this thing. It looks like it travels by turning into a liquid and drooling it's way through a 1500 mile migration. I guess I'm impressed.
This one got caught in the tide of agouti. It was more like a tsunami. Too soon?

PEACE!

Pancakes and/or waffles 8: The ocho.

2006-05-16T12:59:00.000-04:00

In the true Dutch spirit of Bear vs. Monkey, I give you pancakes and waffles numero ocho, Bear vs. Monkey: rumble in the donkey.

Y'all remember Velcro Bears? Well on account of popular demand they are back reppin' team BIAT. You know what that sign says? Huh? Do ya? It says "No Climbing" HA! Eat it. You know they have some incredible belay system set up. The one up top is on his way up and the one on bottom is on his way down. They're changing shifts plunging face first into bee hives up top and napping like they just fucked 6 times on the ground. GO!

This is a baby bonobo monkey from JeanKern. Bonobos masterbate. That's kind of what they're famous for. Masterbating. You see that look on his face, that's because he's masterbating right now and you know how much animals love eye contact when they get off. Well he's making eye contact with you! Right now.
Gosh he looks happy. Anyway.

Go fucking vote you bitch and quit staring at me. You're creeping me out

some kinda monkey

2006-05-16T00:08:00.000-04:00

Ok, whoever blinks first looses. ......GO! Good thing his ears are so big, because his eyes are little and they can withstand hours of blinklessness. Um, i think the camera blinked. No wait, that was me. No, wait, it was the camera. Yup, monkey wins.
Eat it Ansel Adam, you bitch. Man Ray, no Monkey Ray. Yeah

FB motherfuckin F

2006-05-12T10:06:00.000-04:00

Friday, I loves me some motherfuckin friday.

PICS
This one here is from the beloved Nikita. Clearly this koala bear is passed the fuck out. Is anyone other than me a bit concerned that he's going to fal out of the tree. Roll him onto his stomach.

This is a gerenuk from valerie.

Who told this asshole he could stand up? Seriously , who? We can't go giving that shit out like candy. Next thing you know, otters will be using tools and dolphins will have language. We need these things to protect us, people. Protect us people.

Also from valerie, duikers. Pronounciation from a reputable source because I konw if i told you, you wouldn't believe me..
See? Ya see? What would they be doing with thier tongues out like that except trying to speak. Fucked, we're fucked.

Fetal armadillo from Johnathan. Whoa, bonkers. this is some new medical/scientific curiousity shit. It's probably dead if it's fetal so now the pro-lifers are going to be on my ass.
I tell you what Johnny-boy, you can take the heat for this one because I'm sick of those clinic bombing baby worshiping jesus freaks. Boooooo.

Also from johnathan:

By the way, a coworker of mine knows the bitch in charge of cuteoverload. I told her about JALG and she's a convert.

Fuck yeah!

The all-too-real Image_shifter threw this one up. Not just non-mamal, but non-vertibrate which might just be some new shit. Justalittleinvertibrate. No ring there sorry.
I think this guy is a brooklyn graffiti artist.

Seal pup

2006-05-11T11:15:00.000-04:00

Oh, my. This seal has eyes that are really really big. And his mouth is all dirty. But let's talk for a minute about the composition and photographic aspects of this photo for a change huh?

Whoever took this was clearly all up in the dirt with the seal unless of course the seal is really tall or the person taking it is really short or it wasn't a person taking it at all but instead another seal. They jacked this dude's camera and started going buck wild with it. Y'all should be glad that I excluded the seal balls and toothbrush up the seal's ass and passed out drunk seal with a cock and balls drawn on his forehead. Those aren't as cute.Do seals have balls? They must, right?
Jesus look at those globes. He kinda looks like he wants to tussle. C''mon scrappy.

p-Cakes or W-fles VII

2006-05-08T22:36:00.000-04:00

Meow, here's how I see it. Bear in a tree may have won the last PvW based solely on the surprisingly vocal sloth-hating public, but hey, fair's fair. Not being hated as much is the same as being loved more, right mom?

In this corner:
Hang in there. I read that on a poster with a cat on it in an office where I was being interviewd just before my stay at the assylum. That's right bear in a tree will save me. B.I.AT is just two letters short of biatch. Correct me if I'm wrong here but he looks like he's on his way down. Good luck with that. Fortunately Pv.W isn't an equilibrium contest. Or is it?

Some stern competition here in the blue corner. Ya'll remember kinkajou right. Cuddly snuggly fuzzy little kinkajou. Well now, K.O.A.D. Kinkajou on a dog. (I'm kinda hoping he looses because producing another KOAD picture is going to be pretty fucking tough, but don't let that change your vote.

Uh, ride that bitch. Oh yeah and make eye contact with me while you do it. Just like Valerie's arctic fox but with a little less shame.

Man o man he's really got a grip on that thing. And who knew that kinkajou tails were there for anal stimulation. Fucking Discovery Channel's been lying to me this whole time.

Erbody get your vote on.

Ahh summer

2006-05-05T16:11:00.000-04:00

It's summer, it's Friday afternoon, I got no plans this weekend and this is how I feel. (from now on emotions are expressed photographically with cute animals. Words, pshht)

I have nothing bitter, cynical, lewd or offensive to say. Oh this is hard. Wait that's not what I meant. I meant difficult.

Fuck, I blew it. Well there it is, bask in it.

FBF

2006-05-05T11:11:00.000-04:00

Now, just because it's fan boize friday, doesn't mean the vote is over on Pancakes or Waffles 6. Biggup to fan bwoi stupid haiku dude for having the dopeblog with a SIAB haiku. I love you dude.

I'm having a little internet overload right now. You know when you can't do anything because you want to do everything and you don't have ADD but you are a "tangential thinker" and you drink "too much coffee". Yeah I got that.

PICS

Squirrel monkey curtesey of Monki Brewster.
His tail is all creeping up on him like a menacing serpent about to choke the poor sleepy little fella. Don't do it!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Image-Shifter presents to us the Javalina. The beauty here is that this is not a mother son thing. This is an exact scaled down reproduction. They have a javalina xerox in back that can make poster size prints. It's pretty amazing.
Plus the big one is straight up wearing high heals. Oooo, punish me.

Uh, this one's from valerie, who keeps trashing my house. It's a tazmanian devil. Now, we all have our Taz tattoos and we rememmber him fondly from the cartoons but that's not what they're really like.
They're actually vicious killers who are total meth heads. Awwww cute lttle tweaker (I learned that term in Portland, OR). PLUS, look at his little shoes. Or feet, or whatever you call 'em. Pitter patter. I've been up for 65 hours.

And this one's been killing me for weeks now. According to Hawk Notary, it's a lemur. But what the fuck?
Rubbermaid is right. This is the most bondage fetish gremlin bat looking west-village leather-freak of a lemur I've ever seen and believe me I've seen a perved out lemur or two in my day.

For the benefit of the reader: The author was goth in high-school and despite relentless humiliation from the author's "friends", he retains pride in his roots and recognizes that he was shaped by a culture, juvenile though it might be.

And need I get into that facial expression? Jesus pathetic teat-craving Christ. The vibe is as follows: he was behind the controls of some kind of super man-machine from which he ruled an empire with an iron fist. Having recently been ousted from those controls he now lives out his days in a tupperware box still drunk on the power he once had. Ewww.

There's a shit ton more of lemurs here.

Pancake or Waffles, 6: reign of the slothinabox

2006-05-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

Bring the pain, it is on.

I am trying so hard to find a picture of a sloth in a box that isn't cute. But I'm sorry, it's like the fight is rigged. The sloth is totally the well equipped prep school kids, clean shaven and mean to their cheerleader girlfriends. Despicable and utterly unbeatable. (On topic: the first jalg post ever which is a little foretelling if not bland.)

I mean come the fuck on. Sloth in a box. For god's sake. The desperation and neediness is oozing out of the corrugated sides. Does he want out or does he want YOU to come in? I don't know but what ever it is I'll do it.

And the challenger. The scruffy underdog from the wrong side of the tracks. He's not mean to his girlfriend because he ain't got one and he found his helmet in his grandfather's attic.
Bear cub in a tree. It seems weak, feeble even. What next? S.O.A.P? The cat in the hat?
I do like the way the leaf is hanging out of the side of his mouth while he's distracted by something below. Kind of a cheap gag but it got me nonetheless. It's on par with overfilling someone's coffee cup because your looking out the window. You know what I think? He's looking at something to eat that's not a fucking leaf. Duh.

VOTE!

valerie does jalg

2006-05-03T09:48:00.000-04:00

Here's a first, guest post. From valerie:

i have needs... insatiable alpaca needs. and despite your claim of
being back in alpaca action i'm left feeling cold and empty. like a jar
of vasoline on christmas eve. (what?)

this first guy is just chillin on someone's kitchen floor, legs all
tucked up like he doesn't even have any. who me? legs? what? fuck you i
have nubs.

second holmes is all hey! hi! hello! hey there! good day! some tea?

third guy + colonel sanders... third guy is fucking loooooving that
shit. and so is colonel sanders. maybe a little too much. pervert. wipe
that grin off your face.

and finally, your special bonus treat... the arctic fox kit. if that
shit didn't just make you say "WHAT!" then i guess it's suicide time.

Unfortunately, valerie doesn't realize how small the internet is. But thanks for the adorabilitea.

Back in that action

2006-05-02T23:15:00.000-04:00

Fuck a vacay. Brooklyn's Burning and I'm back up in it.

This is a chunk of the look I brought back with me. From Ace of Flushes in Portland, OR where the ladies are hooooot.

It's a tapir. Yay. And it's so new that it's still all fuzzy with embriotic fluid. Yumm.
Look at his little legs. He kinda looks like an unstable cat puppy. Huh? You heard me. Also, he's got that rump. Bangin'

Nikita's tiger's

2006-04-29T10:59:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry baby, it wasn't personal when i ditched the bat. I've been having a really rough time and you know I love you baby. Here's those tigers you sent me they're so cute but not as cute as you.
(Aside and underbreath): uggh, can you believe the shit I have to go through.

Roooooar, you are a killing machine. King of the jungle! Ruler of all you survey. Harbinger of terror. Consumer of fresh meat. Conniseur of ofal delights.
Snuggler of blue nosed bear. Lounger of carpet. Perpetrator of confused stare.

Kissy fight. Ahhhh, no, get away. Heee. Giggle. Heehee. Oh my top ripped! Let's fight naked. Hee hee. Oh, ooooooo. Oh Sandra. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh....
Childish lesbian porn jokes aside, ....psych! Childish lesbian porn joke in front. (by the by, the lesbians are childish, not the jokes. Or maybe it's the porn that's childish. I didn't come here to argue semantics, or did I?)

parade of baby monkeys!

2006-04-24T16:10:00.000-04:00

Well I have to quit because I am no good at this. This dude has a pretty comprehensive collection of monkeys.
I'm kinda in a rush, because I have no time because I'm leaving for frisco-a-disco tomorrow. I'll do some field work while i'm there.

Let's go, PICS!

This is a wooly monkey, in baby form of course.
Huge orbs either on their way in or out of his head. Dear lord put those giant light sucking peepers back were you got em.

"I gotta go"
(muffled by teet) "C'mon stay a sec longer."
"naw, sorry"

Orangatang, oranga ranga ranga, purple haze, oranga rang a ranga.
Monkey calling, speak the slang now. Holy shit this is the happiest creature ever. Period. Exclamation point. He looks like a nintendo cartoon icon for happiness. Superb

Peep. What?
The baby looks so forlorned. Awwwww.

More orangatang. They looks so fucking smart it scares me. I'm not just talking about the sagacious droopy eyed mother, but also the scraggly haired lightning wit of that child.
Geniuses always have fucked up hair.

Tamarind. Got two babies don't cha. Oooo that one in front is holding on for dear fucking life and he's trying so hard that he forgot about the whole primate thing and he's doing a good job of looking like a gerbil.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ok, keep it coming, more wooly monkey. I'm typing like a maniac over here.
He's basicly treating his mom-dukes like some sort of high performace vehicle. You can see the wind whipping through his hair as he make a the generic pitch changing gear shifting race car noise with his lips. Ppppbbbbbppbpbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrrrrr.

But seriously foks. This one's my favorite because he's a squirel monkey and he sweeeping. Shhhhh.

He's got a fist full of hair and his wittlw weft foot is weaching up and gwabbing some more haiw. And he's all snuggley and tiurd. Sewiously shhhhhhh.

elephant ELEPHANT

2006-04-24T14:51:00.000-04:00

Let's play reconstruction. I'm imagining s a domino like situation in which the baby tips over out of exhaustion knocking the mother down, thud. Or better yet. Emotional dominos. Baby in a fit of exhuberant youth spazzes himself straight into unconciousness, the mother following with a symapthetic trumpeting.Thump.

combat wombat

2006-04-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

Well, alas, combat wombat doesn't look like he's going to make it to the next round. Domage. But, I decided to have a little thing to say goodbye because, you know, wombats are now extinct because of you. Assholes.

You know, I can put up giggly little cute pictures of wombats. I can do that. I was trying to push you boundaries a little, but fine, if you want to live in your little safe world where wombats make you tap your coworker and go 'ahhwwhgghhgha", then that's what you'll get.

This your basic science fictiony bizzaro wombat. Alkso kinda artsy. This might actually be a mouse I have no clue.
He's all: "I'm doing it, I'm doing it!" and the dude behind him is all: Way to go champ!

Straight up. Wombats are cute. Little ears round and fuzzy all that good stuff.
Whatcha got there little guy? Sock? Used rubber? Syringe? firearm? Who gives a wombat a firearm anyway? He's got a rucking record for godsake and you just hand him a forty 5 like it's a glass of fucking water. You're the criminal.

Now this is a little series I call Aussie dudes manhandling wombats. This dude barely has pubes and he's got his money grips all up on this wombat. Ew.

Looks like your little friend there isn't too psyched about your new "arrangement"

Man, this wombat looks fucking laaaaaaazy, and believe me I know lazy. Some wombats are like: hold me. This one is like: cradle. I'm just going to lie here like a sack 'o' taters.
Shit he just wants to hang dog.

HEY! I know you, you fuck. You're that dude who threw his baby at a monster, right? Yeah, you are.
That wombat looks fucking heavy am I right? And what's up with wombats just being dead weight. It's a vestigial traight from their evolutionary era of liberal activism. You know what that makes you croc-dog? Riot cop. Bitch.

Now, to finish off our series of aussies groping wombats.

There is something about the bug eyed look of surprise combined with the clean hands and stethescope that has a really genuinely horrific sci-fi alien-probing unwilling-patient thing. I'm getting all sceeved out here.
Oh, god , oh god. He's all helpless, legs dangling. Terrified, wouldn't you be.

p dubs V

2006-04-18T11:02:00.000-04:00

I'd like to start out by saying, nice work on the comment bombing. Keep it up. cute overload can rot in hell.

Let's play pancakes or waffles. Yay!

The rules: Votes go down in the comments section. Cheating is only cheating if you get caught.

The defending champ: He's changed the number of toes he has but he's still in a box and that what matters: Sloth In A Box.

Myaaa, hi. Better watch out, I'm finna scoop that box and bolt. Why you put something that I want so bad in an easily portable container. Dumbass. PEACE!

And now, Rocky to sloth's Apollo Creed, the wunda from down-unda, the aussie scruff-job, Wom-Bat!!!!

Hey, you know what I say, "If you got an itch..." He's kinda got a little piggy nose which almost looks like a tongue licking a regular nose. Back me up here. And he's clawing himself so ferociously that he's done gone and tipped his little ass over. I really like the right hand plant, left hand lift neck scratch move. I saw this guy playing twister in the '86 world champs and let me tell you. There was this Russian contortionist who thoought she was all that and figured she had everybody beat and then wombat comes out like 'what now? huh? what up now?"

It was fucking sick.

panda beef

2006-04-16T18:30:00.000-04:00

I don't mean panda beef like to eat. I mean panda beef like some really angry scrappy little guys that want to throw the fuck down. The anonymous commenter that started war with cute overload has apparently stirred up some aggression over there because she deleted his comments, which were hilarious. Something about a gerbil in the ass if I recall.
So what? If I'm not a puppy in a stocking or a bunny next to a plate of muffins I don't have the right to be heard? Not around here lady. I don't know where you operate but this is the blogosphere and we let people talk. You want puppies, get one. This is the internet, bitch.

We here at JALG cannot (legallyl) support comment section wars, but we do it anyway. Get 'em.

So I got a panda and it started to smell so I figured, maybe it's going bad. So, I put the thing in tupper ware, and threw it in the fridge. There were air holes, don't freak. But the problem is that the smell get out through the air holes. No I figure, maybe it's not an issue of rotting panda but instead of hygene. Take the thing out back, hose it off. Still stinks.
So I say fuck, what now. Digestion/diet problem. I stop feeding him raw beef. Give him some chinese take out because I figure natural habbitat or whatever. Doesn't work. STINK.

I'm a pimp by blood, not relation
Ya'll be chasinI replace them,
huh?

Drunk off Cris, Mami on e.
Can't keep her little model hands off me.

Throw your guns in the air. We're going back to war.
bluck bluck bluck

BFF

2006-04-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

All right! Finally a little love from the world. It gets lonely in the jalg bunker sometimes and it's nice to know that I can get a little support as I raise an army to take dow those fuckers at cuteoverload. Now, I'm not one to grudge, but this article in New York magazine lists them as one of "five blogs to check out" Doooooooooooouche . I think that's all I need to say.

Laura "the slug" is diligently rearing this sugar glider who, as we know, is the most ferrocious creater know to man.
ooooo, watch out laura, he'll take your finger off, shove it up your ass and keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you.

This fuzzy wittle bunny is actually a chief espionage operative trained by Marjie to infiltrate cuteoverload's ranks. You'd think that just because he didn't have a leg in the air and his tween swinging all around that he wouldn't be a jalg soldier. But here he is.
This is your basic hiya-king-fu stance. The thing about the bunny here is that he's kinda a sex addict and he's into some wierd shit. It's always the quiet ones.

Smeep. Shove a worm down my gullet. This one's from Image_Shifter who gets the that-was-crazy-like-actually-crazy award. But sure is a mean bird.
He's been fucking around with high voltage armaments all day. Hence the hair.

This is from Stephanie in Princeton, NJ. This is your basic guerilla junta.
"this clump of grass here is going to be cuteoverload.com, and this rock is going to be a rock. "
Smash smash smash.
"and this hammer, it's a hammer"
club club club
"and this blow torch, a blow torch"
seer seer seer
"and this M80, it's an M80"
kablammo kablammo kablammo
etc.

Oh!, sorry.

2006-04-13T14:37:00.000-04:00

Me: Oh shit, sorry, I didn't. Um. I 'll just wait out here, I guess.

Freaky ass big o'bear: No, I'ts cool. Come on in.

Me: (laughing nervously) No, thanks. Really. I'm just not. um, ....

FABOB (friendly, still scratching nonchalantly at taint/grundle area): No! really, I mean it. Have a seat.

Me: I'm just not totally comfortable with this. Don't take it personally. (mustering courage) Could you please, um, put your leg down, please.

FABOB: You're cute.

Me: I'm outta here.

FABOB: Wait!, wait. Sorry. I'm not trying to freak you out. I just...

Me: Well you are.

FABOB: And I'm sorry for that. You need to unders...

Me: Seriously, can you put your leg down.

FABOB: O, yeah, sorry. I don't want to offend you I just...

Me: Leg! Down!

FABOB: I'm not very good at this. I've been in a relationship for a long time and I've just grown really comfortable with....

Me: Holy fucking shit put your leg down. If you could see what I'm seeing, you'd understand, I promise.

FABOB: You are cute.

Me: That's it, I'm outta here.

Morning after

2006-04-12T14:24:00.000-04:00

Ughhhhhh. What?! I'm sleeping. Turn it down. Kill that light. Ughhhh.

Sucking down Eukalypus last night like it was fucking candy and now look at ya. Pathetic. He has his eyes shut and even has his ears sort of tucked in and pulled down. I bet his nostrils are sealed tight as a baby sphincter. Ew.
I guess they have a thing for getting all jammed up and nussled in tree nooks. I suppose if I lived in a tree, that's where I'd hang out too. Good butt support and soforth. God bless 'em.

P & W: 4.2

2006-04-10T07:53:00.000-04:00

It was a fucking tie. I shit you not. Apparently, these guys are well matched so, get in the ring motherfucker.

He is back and he is pissed if not a little tuckered out from the last fight. It's alright, I understand, sleep.
I think this might be some other kind of baby raccoon, like a Quebecoise raccoon or something. But, as you may know, I don't know shit about animals. He's got a nice nestle goin' on in that hand. Rounded ears, striped tail, little hands, sleepy eyes. Booya.

And his competitor:

Sloth in a box! and you're to blame.
So, when I left Dayton, the only thing in these boxes were books, knick-knacks, clothes, kitchen stuff and my Jumanji game. I swear. But now, there's this baby sloth hanging off the side and sleeping at the same time, which is adorable.

O man, o man. The thing about sloths is that they're called that for a reason. Lazy little fuckers and if you take them out of a tree and put them on the ground they look really uncomfortable and out of place. This guy on the other hand is right at home in a cardboard box as long as he can grip and dangle. Do your thing sloth-dog.

Get out the vote. Rock the vote. Vote or die.

FBFF

2006-04-07T12:05:00.000-04:00

I dug this out of the ol' inbox. Thanks Turd.
Such a dramatic stance of cartoonish bewilderment. This is how it should be. The way his head is mounted on his neck is very Prince John from Robin Hood cartoon movie. I know I've mentioned him before and I think maybe I posted this giraffe before. But honestly, do you really care. I don't.
I want to put you pictures up, I do, I do. So send them to me.

That's not a knife

2006-04-07T10:09:00.000-04:00

It's a koala bear. Yesssss. While not technically bears, koalas are technically high as a balls on eucalyptus all the fucking time.

These guys are all:
"ass fuck no evil, ass fuck no evil, get ass fucked no evil." No evil.

I've always had this idea which is kind of CSI now that I think about it. It's all about reconstructing the past based on the present. Let's try.
While galavanting around some of his favorite eucalyptus trees. This little fella sucked down one too many narcotic leaves and passed out on his feet. In the tree. From there, he kinda tumbles from branch to branch until he finds himself wedged, comfortably yet irremovably, in this nook. Rest up dude, you'll need your strength to wriggle out of there with the hangover of a lifetime tomorrow morn.

Obliviously, baby's kinda got mama by the jowel (first singular usage ever) and is tugging away. Tugg up on it little man.
What's that little man checkin up on? I don't know but those beady little eyes sure are intent. I would say ice cream or candy or hookers but he's a baby koala and what do koalas like more than meth or heron or the white lady? Simple. eucalyptus.

Throw your guns up. Bluck Bluck Bluck.
Recognize. He's really small. But he has fierce claws which are just coke nails and roach clips in disguise. Clever little junky.

panda porn

2006-04-04T16:19:00.000-04:00

Do not do click this if you have shit to do. I am very fucking serious right now. This is the kind of video you want to get a hotel room and a nice bottle of wine and really spend some time on it.
10 minutes of tai shan.

This is more like a frat slut in the bathroom at max's upstairs.

EDIT: I'm an ass. here is the link.

What would I do without David

Pancakes or Waffles part: whatever comes next

2006-04-04T14:23:00.000-04:00

Today on pan or waf we're paying homage to laziness in the form of the first few google images that come up in a search. Also we're paying homage to me psyching you out with the red panda who will not be featured in this afternoon's event but will return, rested and refreshed, for a later fight. PICS!

First off, the challenger. Baby sloth, shown here with mama sloth. Smiling dutifully as sloth are prone to do.
Get your fucking nestle on ma! That looks really comfy if not a little itchy. Here's some things to think about when making your decision:
1: sloth, from goonies.
2: sloth, the behavioral tendancy
3: sloth, the ewok looking shaggy bag of smiles snuggled up next to mama (see above)

And in this corner, the reigning champ. The trash eating treasure. Baby rac-coooooooon!!!!

yayayayayayay

How does he get anything done. I have enough trouble and I'm only about 70% as cute as snuggle-but right here. Fine, maybe 80%.

Alright, hang chads like high-school hockey players hang brain and get your vote on, you queen.

RELAX!

2006-04-03T21:30:00.000-04:00

Shut up. I don't owe my readers anything. I'll blog when I damn well please. I've been busy:. Get off my back. Fuck you Dad!It's a sloth. BTW. But I was over at the retired Labyrinth characters home and it felt like someone was missing. Zoinks.

Firefox disambiguation

2006-03-28T10:20:00.000-05:00

So I guess technically, this is FBF material because this first one was sent to me by Christy. Now, I'm not that bright and I'm definately not "good with colors," so it took me a minute to realize that this was a dog with a dyed red mohawk. I'm pretty sure it's a chow chow. I know what you're saying and you know what: stuff it. And don't start sending me pictures of your stoopit schnauser drinking a beer or your fucking cat with a pierced tounge.

This is different:
My favorite part about this series is that you can take it in either order. I wish blogs weren't so linear so that I could present him with no expected mentis tempora (Made that one up). I'm going to stop myself from going on about how this proves the heart is timeless, but believe me I could.

So much text, but there's a lot of shit going on at JALG today. Also, firefox is the literal traslation of the chinese words for both the red fox and the red panda and because there's red pandas on the brain, I thought, wow, even more garbage to blabber on about.

Here's baby red fox.
And here's red panda:

Surprise surprise, he came from somsai, who is still blowing my mind consistantly with the panda pics. How does she do it?

I've said enough but I'm going to say more. Red pandad looks so rogueish. From now on, they're called rogue rouge. eh, eh, eh, no buts. That's the new name. And red fox, well, how about we have a contest to see who can call him out best. Winner gets a prize. Call it a caption contest.

My bracket

2006-03-26T20:35:00.000-05:00

For all you suckers that had polecat going all the way, it looks like you're loosing the office pool. I'm calling it.

Baby raccoon: 25
Pole bitch: 21.

Better luck next time, you little ferret wannabe.

PIC.

This is your next competition, baby raccoon so get ready, it's going to be tough.

This is not a vote yet so put the mouse down.

L F ant

2006-03-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

Finally elephants

This is exactly how I feel. It's 10 AM and I'm still awake. Bad news rap dudes.

Mama LFant is all: what the fuck are you doing you little maniac.
Babyfant is all: I'm gunna get loose. Work it out. Feel me?
Mama fant: you crazy like your daddy.
Babyfant: Shake that rump like it's gunna end today! Look at him go. No reservations. Uninhibited (so, hibited) rawkus rowdy rebel.
This guy is going to bust up left and then when you're not looking, bust up right. Yeah. If you got it flaut it babyfant. You rule.

squirrt

2006-03-24T11:21:00.000-05:00

On account of and due to a lazy and unpoductive fan base, no fbf today.
Oh and Pancakes or Waffles is still running so vote early and often.

Pics!

This is what I'm talking about, OG shit. Nipple suckin', eye squintin', scrunchy face cuteness. None of that white linens and cappuccino cup bullshit. None of that puppies and little kids crap that Bob Saggat tired to sell you on AFV. The real old-man-looking mouth full of milk tiny ears four-finger cuteness.
Oh yeah that is gooood. I like milk too man, there's nothing wrong with that. What else are you going to drink with a PB&J? Coke? Don't be an ass. Water? Pointless. Beer? Your priorities are all fucked up. Look at how bulbous his little eyes are, it's freakin me out. O! I got it, he reminds me of the rabbit in Whiney the pooh. What's his deal? He's always drunk or he's skitzophrenic or he hangs out outside of elementary schools. I forget.

This guy brings me back to when JALG didn't have to rely on gimmicks to get readership. Remember weasle and kinkajou. Those were the days.

Bebbe sqrl: Ahhh, gahhhk, you're choking me.
Human Ass: There's some medical stuff in the background so that means that this is good for you.
Bebbe sqrl: You fuck.
Then the photgraph was taken just as the word fuck was being finished and the frustrated glare of the baby squirrel climaxed into a scathing glower.
There's also a little talk-to-the-hand going on there. But it was unintentional. Bebbe sqrl was listening to Gang of Four and smoking Palmals while you were watching Oprah. Pussy.

Pancakes or Waffles Part 3

2006-03-22T12:11:00.000-05:00

(Rocky music) He's back ladies and gentlemen and he's bad. The sidewinding sideswiper, more ferocious than a ferret and hotter than an otter. The one, the only Polecat. yayayayayay.

Dig in champ your gunna need all your strength tonight. (spit) You see that towel you're standing on, you will not throw it in. Eat all the hay, because you need the fuel to destroy this motherfucker. (spit)
Perfectly designed for battle. Tiny ears are impossible to grab and tiny eyes are ungougeable. Look at the pouncing stance.

But there's a new guy in town. The tree climbing, death defying, garbage eating maniac. Baby racoon.
Hanging on for dear life cuz he's a fighter. A killer. Is he on his way up the tree or down. That's for you to decide.

Greater glider

2006-03-20T15:29:00.000-05:00

Ugghhh fucking finally. I've been trying to post this shit all damn day. Some crackpot sent me a link to some quokkas, which are a cross between a rat and a kangaroo and hence, not cute.
Sorry Cat.
But on the brighter side, it lead me to these guys. Greater glieders. Watch out sugar glider, looks like we might see you in pancakes or waffles soon.
Se llama blackie. Nice. Whatcha lookin at? oh, me! yes. That's great I was looking at you too. Sooooo, here we are. Nice fingernails. I know he looks like a mogwai, but I'm not going to say anything about it because that is so JALG circa november.

I took it upon myself to dub this guy whitie. Look at those ears. You can't make shit like this up. He's kind of got a zoolander pose going as he crawls out of and over that tree. Work it.

That's a fucking puppet, it's got to be. Maybe taxadermy. There is a world of greater gliders out there for me to explore. We'll see more soon.

2006-03-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh, that's better. Bakc in action. Alpaca action.

Ew? or cool? I fuck your america! But I'm stillmakingnoise.makingnoise.
If anybody's ever seen wonderfalls, this reminds me a lot of it. I don't know why. Here's my working hypothesis on lil' man alpaca up there: LOVES affection and cuddling to the point that it's funny and cute at first but then it gets kind of annoying and then gross because he's fucking slobbering all over you and he keeps jamming his nose into your crotch and it really fucking hurts. Clearly his knowledge of human anatomy is subpar because if he actually loved you he'd stop crushing your balls.
I believe the starwars creatures are called tontons.

Blogger is a diseased prostitute

2006-03-19T13:05:00.000-05:00

I can't upload fucking pictures, I'm impotent over here.

Something to cry about

2006-03-18T14:00:00.000-05:00

"Something to Cry About" is actually what Picture Taker 2 titled this picture on flickr. I salute you good sir.

I can not fucking wait for summer. Spark a doob and straight lamp in the shade. You know that song that's like "in the summer time when the weather is hot..." That's playing in the background right here. Also, "we gonna lay around the shanty momma, and put a good buzz on..."

Little man is all: Simba, eat a dick, you don't smoke weed like us. You don't hold arms like us. You don't push weight like us. Bluck bluck bluck.

FBF II

2006-03-17T09:20:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, it's time for some more fan boize friday. Bring the pics, I feel gooooood.

Rachael Pleet sent in a great disposition on the honey badger (I'm her thesis advisor) including this photo:

which demonstrates how the honey badger carry their young. Very similar to how I carry pork chops or day-old bagels. Slanging honey badger. Supportin your habbit
Oh yeah and she also says that honey badgers have their own web site. <horror stricken whisper>they can type</horror stricken whisper>

This is a mouse lemur or a dwarf lemur or a pygmy runt lemur or something. Sent my way no doubt by the always lovely Nikita.

Also available for your viewing pleasure, Lemur porn. Take it from me man, you won't regret it.

Dig up the old Go-Go's albums because lookit, sifaka. Pronounced, mind you , like shifuck.

Where the sweet fuck is he going in such a funky rush. Groove on by dude! Keep on truckin sifaka. Move those hips for me ma.

I got this one from beccajo and even though they look suspiciously domesticated, these fishing cats are pretty fucking off the meter.

REVISION:

I almost forgot this golden fucking nugget from troodie.
He's so fucking eurotrash, check out his fauxhawk.Nice Vespa you fucking douche wad.

Pancakes or Waffles Part 2

2006-03-16T10:27:00.000-05:00

Well we have a winner and by a landslide to boot.
dum dum dum dum!
River otter.
So, now the cycle of pain continues. Bring the noise.

In the blue corner, the defending champion. Weighing in at about the size of a big dachshund. Da wivew ottuw.

You can see why this guy won the first fight. That no bullshit, never give up, fuck-or-fight spirit. He chews those rocks into dust to harden his deadly teeth. Hiii-ya!

And in this corner, a worthy competitor indeed. From the mean streets of southern and western africa. Able to emit a foul smelling scent from his anal glands. Capable of playing dead AND climbing trees. Sugar Ray Ploecat.

He's a ferrocious fighter. Oh yes he is.

All right, I wanna see a fair fight, none of this. None of this. And certainly none of ThIs.

Binturong

2006-03-15T12:19:00.000-05:00

Now I'm just killing time.

This fucking maniac has got a site about the binturongs , aka bearcat, aka lazy bear, aka supinecat, aka tree loafer, aka schlub.

The interface is pretty funny.

Some crrrrzy panda lady

2006-03-15T10:16:00.000-05:00

Flickr, finally good for something

Smoke that stogie. Straight lampin. There's about 1500 of these waiting for you at Somesai's photostream.

There is some freaky orgiastic panda fest going on there. Count me in cuz she's smokin'!

Pancakes or Waffles Part 1

2006-03-14T14:58:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first installment of a new series I like to call, pancakes or waffles, based on the game of the same name. The idea is as follows. I post up 2 animals and y'all have to tell me which one you want to remove from earth forever. This can be done in the comments section or with a megafone in Times Square or some other "sensitive" location. The "winner" is then removed from earth forever and hence can no longer participate in "Pancakes or Waffles."

We'll start out easy.
In this corner... the river otter.

Nice towel buddy. Did you get that in a happy meal? And nice face too. Grummpphh.
I'll weigh out some pros and cons to help your decision:
Pro: looks dumb, helps cuteness.
Con: Slippery fur makes for easy escape. And what's the point of not anihilating them if you can't even hold on to one.
Pro: Limitlessly loving eyes.

And in the blue trunks we have....Sea Otter. Definately more inclined to eat a clam (if you know what I mean.)

Pro: this is practicly and unfair advantage, 69ing baby on belly.
Con: Sea otters always look like they were just dragged out of an oil spill.
Pro: Baby is sleeping.
Con: Doesn't that possition hurt your stomach mussels?

Sorry that last one was a question, not a con.
That's it. The choice is up to you. GO!

Mas piglets

2006-03-10T07:23:00.000-05:00

More piglets. These were on the way to roca blanca. South pacific coast. I was at a strip club til bout 6 last night, if you know what i mean, so excuse me for typos.

If you didn't know, pigs subsist moslty on the crumbs at the bottom of bags of chips.
And cardboard and garbage. This lil guy is VERY well fed.

This one's on the way back from roca blanca, which by the way is fucking paradise.
They have a shit ton of fucking pigs down there. Not to mention burros, perros, oppossums vultures. I saw a fucking whale! Almost caught a fish.

Búho

2006-03-09T13:22:00.000-05:00

Peep the colors!

Spotted at Lagonia, the gigante market in the middle of mexico city where they sell ev-er-ry-thing. Little man was striaght chillin in his cage. I don't know if he was for sale but I haggled for like an hour and got nowhere because, no hablo espanol. So, I put on my lucha libre mask, went back and liberated the little motherfucker. Viva la revolucion!

Burrrrrrritos

2006-03-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

Hola!
As it turns out, they have computers in mexico. YES! Not oly that but they have donkeys. These little guys were found at the top of the acient pyramid in Puebla where there's a crazy colonial church. But this isn't justalittleiglesia, so....PICS!

Burro uno. Se llama Pablo. He's got two of his little friends with him. By this point I was so winded from climbing the fucking thing that I nearly missed this little gem of a little guy.

Look he's traveling with his friends.

This one's got a costume on. And yes that is a functional yoke. He is a hard working no bullshit kind of burro. And he's traveling alone.

Que bonita paise!

Animales

2006-03-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

arriba. It's off to mexico for jalg solja #1 (that's my liscence plate). Just so they know I'm coming, I'm posting pictures of some of the local fauna. The idea is this, when they google themselves (vanity search, I believe it's called), they'll see that they're here on jalg, read the text, laugh, feel dirty, then realize that I'm coming to mexico. Duh.

Guadelupe Fur seals. Basking in the sun. Watch out guys, I get to the beach early and I take the best spots. I'm the kind of person that goes through the trouble of slowly rotating his chaise lounge throughout the day.
That's right, bright eyes. Suntan lotion IS for pussies.

Wha-wha-what's this. Tapir. I fucking love this dude and it turns out the lives in mexico. I sent him an email but I think it's an old address. He's kind of a flake though so, maybe he's just not getting back to me. I wonoder what he's up to.
That nose (or should I say snout) is driving me super-bonkers right now.

And ringtail. You look great today buddy. Can't wiat to see ya. You got a cell down there? We'll hit up zona rosa and drink some sangritas.
Tomorrow buddy.

Hasta tarde.
See you in diez días.

suueeeeeeey

2006-02-28T13:31:00.000-05:00

Oink oink, bitches. Piggy-day. But these aren't you standard bacon pigs. These are wild boars and they will demolish you. Snort snort.

Yo, little man, wanna go dig me up some truffles. Yeah? Thanks. I owe you.

What's the deal with those fat ol domestic pigs rolling in mud all the time. Uncivilized, I agree. More foix gras? Why thank you. This Champagne is marvelous by the way.

Babe, PiTC, eat your fucking heart out. This is not your day. Get 'im pumpkin!
Such a jaunty prance.

Fan boiz friday

2006-02-24T16:20:00.000-05:00

Felice friday and as a new instalment here at jalg, we're gunna do fan appreciation friday. Thanks everybody for all of you fauning emails and hillarious comments. Suggestions are always welcome.

Pics!
These two honey badgers are courtesey of my dear friend Monki Brewster, huge madonna fan.

Showing agression or doing the butterfly? If we took a holiday...

Holy fuck, it's a luckdragon. I said, holy fuck it's a luckdragon.
It's about to talk I swear. C'mon. What are you going to say. It's going to be so wise and witty. Kinda scary.

Let's see, what elses do we have.....O, this isn't technicly fan inspired, I just found it on my desktop. But it's pretty fucking cute.
I have a very strong feeling that this guy's been up before. But, honestly, who cares. My memory is just bad enough that I'm willing to enjoy things twice. You should try it.
That's not his toung its the tounge of a giant snake that he's eating. It's really just a squirrel.

Ok, onto the north american possums which were sen to me by JB Zimmerman in response to the honey possums that we threw up around vd-day.

Raaaar. Looks like Splinter's comin to git ya. Beedy little eyes: surprisingly cute.
He looks all evil and junk but get your pinky into his little underbelly and man-o-man does he go nuts. Coochie-coochie-coo.

Don't these guys remind you of American Tale. They floated here from norway in that bucket and now they're unloading at Ellis Island (where they will be washed, vaccinated and renamed.)
One of them is wearing a thimble for a hat and another is carrying a box of matches for a suticase. Those are the only objects of that scale that I can think of. It's gunna be tough guys but in three generations, you'll be living the american dream.

According to the filename, this is a this is a tarsier. DING! Another desktop score.
There is kind of a blurry line below the nose that I think is the mouth and if I'm right, he's making an incredibly baffled expression. Kind of Kermit D Frog-ish. Not to mention that his eyes are clearly backlit. This is one of those internet optical illusion where if you look striaght into his eyes for 60 seconds and then close your eyes for 10 and then hold your breath for 20 and then drink water upsidedown, you'll see god.

Woops, this one is from khyde, who didn't feel like actually communicating with me but did send me this link.
So malproportioned. Apparently, he's a kiwi and the poor little guy gets no help from his parents. Hatch and go. Go get 'em motherfucker, it's a cruel world but your fucking badass and nothing can stop you. You can do anything you put your mind to!

The remaining pics are all from my lovely new fiance Nikita (embedded sound), who i believe is either from Belarus or Thailand.

This is a tenrec and don't even think about it, I have him next for taxes. He's good: last year he managed to get all of the tips I gave to strippers deducted ($66,000).
It's cool dude, I like math too. But don't tell anybody, or else. Tenrecs are sometimes called fake hedgehogs.

We've seen sloths before but not like this. OG B-boy sloth. Boombox and cardboard mat. The french still do this shit, I can't believe it. Love 'em.
And for my next trick, I'm going to juggle one baby three-toed b-boy sloth while doing the turtle.

<Cathartic>Uggghhhhhh, I am so embarrassed. What did I do last night? Now this girl won't talk to me because apparently I said something terrible, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was.</Cathartic>
I guess I'll just hide my face like this silky anteater. Wow! C'meer. I wonder how big you are. Hmmmmm.

Ooop. I see you. Hi. Such a nice little question mark like tail on this guy and again with the no-ears thing. One giant claw for opening beer cans and bags of chips.
Why are you so shy sliky anteater?

Shit, well, it's almost saturday now here at jalg fan boiz friday. Opps. Looks like I done blogged the whole day away. Keep those emails coming and get ready for the big switch to www.justalittleguy.com .

Holy Loris

2006-02-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

I just loooorve, the name loris. Here on out, that's my shit. I'm all: yo, peep my new coat; shit's loris. or: "Hey, whatcha up to? Wanna come over and loris?" It functions basicly like the smurfese word "smurf." as in: I'm going to beat the living smurf out of you.

So, randy and I had a few extra bucks and we decided to go down to Sears and get a couple of pictures taken to preserve the moment you know. But dicklicker photo-booth-boy apparently is totally unfamiliar with the concept of red eye. So here's me, the psychotic she-beast, with randy. Merry xmas.

I'm calling bullshit. That's a house plant. It might even be a fake house plant.

Ummmm. I don't know where to start. You ran out of branch there little guy. Lookin at it won't make it grow any faster. Why is it that I can't help thinking that pie-slice here has a wrestler's body. That's wierd, he's a monkey or something.
I can't figure this out but I do like his little cauliflower ears.

He's more scared of you than you are of him. Um, no smurfin' way. This is by far the craziest nut job monkey ever. I think we caught him with the nikon right in the middle of a ho-down or a game of one man leap frog. Maybe he was doing the grab-the-big-ol-booty dance, which ladies, if you don't know, is how all guys dance when they're alone.
I sure got a lot of dumb crap to say today.

You might be thinking that this is a pretty standard wide-eyed, smiling, button-nosed loris pic but take care to notice the clinging cuteness at her side. Oh mama. Got his little face buried so deep in that tit that he can't breath. The tiny little hand gropingfor a hand-hold. Scrunched up nose. I think this is really exemplory. He's like the incipient embodiment of cuteness.
There's an unidentified limb wrapped around the tree there. Don't ask questions ass hole, what ever it is, it's cute.
Cute, cuter, cutest. What the loris is going on here. All these vague conceptual ideas of cuteness are swirling around like apparitions. I don't know where to look. Oh, wait I figured it out. Look at the tiny one. Look hard. He as a funny little hair cut and really big nose. Big old paws and ...no ears? Ok that's fine. no ears. They are being imprisoned from below. How sad. So sad.

What the loris more can i say?

Dik Dik

2006-02-20T21:17:00.000-05:00

So, I've been looking at a lot of these guys and I decided that I should only show one. So I'm going to go with dis Dik Dik. O snap! That's right you heard me: Dik dik. Call me immature, call me a pussy or even an ass but I sure love the dik dik.

Oh come on. You really want to stop after one dik dik? Naw, you can handle another.

I think dis dik dik was photoshopped. What a horny little dik dik.

I hope y'all think this is as funny as I do. Cuz believe me I dooooo.

O you think you can take more than one dik dik at a time. Holy fuck three dik diks!
Oh, one of them is just a baby dik dik. But still, that sure is a lot of dik diks. Ouch.

smeeeeeep

2006-02-18T20:27:00.000-05:00

Happy belated valentines day. I'm so sorry I forgot. It's ok to hate me, but please don't. I got you these: Pikas.

If you could only hear the noise that these guys make. It's like a "smeeep. smeeeeeeeeep" and I change my ring to it.
Thanks Jim.

Ooooooo, carnations. I just love carnations. Thanks so much. You're the best pika.

Awwww. smeeeeeep you too.

What a lovely bouquet. Is that baby's breath.
They live among the rocks.

Oh don't even. You can't make up for that shit you pulled with flowers. You got to earn my love, bitch.

Put that stupid grin away before I smack it off of your fat face. Oh my. Is that cilantro? I do like cilantro. Ok, ya fuck, I forgive you.

Revolution

2006-02-17T10:20:00.000-05:00

That's it. I know you're nipples are chaffed and irritated from nursing the army of death so it's ok to use the bottle as long as you got it with the breast pump.
Good. We need well nutured minions because the fucking douche bags are up to it again. And this time they're biting MY shit.

I wish I could telll you where this image came from, but I can't because I emailed it to myself when I was drunk last night and that's all I know. It's a chrismas mirracle.

Honey Possum

2006-02-16T11:12:00.000-05:00

Honeysucking nightdweller? Sounds like some kind of hooker. But not just an ordinary hooker, a honeysucking hooker, at night. Got that? Damn straight. The only nectarivorous mamal. Sucking honey up like woah.

Caught you off gaurd there didn't I fella? This is quite possibly the least threatening conceivable creature on the market today. He eats only nectar and he's "half the size of mouse." He weighs 5-10 grams. That's a slow night in the LES where I come from. Easy on the wicker there, you're gunna get fat; you're built for eating nectar.

HA! Caught ya. That's corn that you're eating and you're supposed to only eat nectar. What is nectar anyway? Fuck it. Eat corn and be merry.
This thing opperates on scales that I can't even comprehend.

Look at this little ass hole. He's cross eyed and all dumb as shit. He can't even really hold onto this thumb. Pointy-nose big-ears. Red nose much?
I'm gunna make the big leap here and assert that this little guy looks kind of unhappy with his situation. Maybe he's one of those creatures that evolved so that he's always in pain. Base level is agony and you can add or subtract from there. Oh that's horrible. Sorry.

By the way, if you didn't look at your hand to see how big he is and compare it to dickweed's hand up there, then there's something wrong with you.

Lil' dear mouse Jon

2006-02-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

meeep. meeeeeeep. Squeeek. I'm speachless.

Turns out the deer mouse is way cuter than the tit mouse. Who'd a thought.

so, fucking, small. I can't make out the details because I don't have a macro lense on my fucking face.
So anthromorphic, the hands. hold me.

Sleep. Deep. Squeek. Peeps.
Hold onto that bark, dog. Dark bog. Smart frog. Hot dog.

Bluck blcuk. Fuck chuck. Huck muck. And rake it. You can't fake it. goodness sake it. Just take it.
More pic. Whore dicks. Sore dicks. Whore hicks. Neither poor sticks nor hard core flicks.

snow day

2006-02-12T14:32:00.000-05:00

Second biggest snow storm in New York history. I don't buy it. But fuck it, it's a good excuse to sit around, drink Ethyl Mermans and blog' snow animals. What a life.

Blaaaahhhhh. It's cold but I can dive headlong into a car and it doesn't hurt.

Look at those giant glassy eyes and the tounge for god's sake, the tounge. How do these guys get around anyway? Put him back in the ocean, he's got no earthly business on land.

Cougar. Based on my extremely limited zoological knowledge, cougagrs naturally inhabbit trees in jungles and deserts. But what have we here. A cougar in the snow? I call bullshit. No, I call photoshop.

He kind of has that serious little kid look. Which is terrible. It either means that he's a nasty bully or he's been victimized by one. Believe me, I know. One of those kids that builds a half decent soap box car with no help. He's got his helmet under his arm and one foot on the car and it's all sepiatone. Half Norman Rockwell, half American Express commercial. Americana mother-fucker.

Oooooh whatisit

2006-02-10T00:59:00.000-05:00

Sweeepstakes contest mystery time. According to this website, these are "the cute babies in a nest." Nice work Einstein. But what are they? Gopher, ferret, field beast? Dunno.

The front-man reminds me of the king john character in the animated Robin Hood. Yesss.

Golden -manteled tree kanga-WHAT

2006-02-08T21:50:00.000-05:00

So, the story is as follows according to this national geographic article, " [t]he animal is the rarest arboreal, jungle-dwelling kangaroo in the world." Now that's saying something. Now, I'm a busy man and if I had time to be reading science nerd shit, then I would certainly have time to spell check my fucking blog. Feel me? But according to Rob Green, a bunch of science nerds found a bunch of new animals in Indonesia or Malasia or someshit like that. Rob Green is a director, a football pl;ayer, and a motorsportist. Booya. GO ROB!

Coochie, coochie mother-fuckin coo. He beat me to the g.d. punch. I was totally just about to start tickling his wittle neck. Now he's auto-tickling with his intelegently designed prehensile tail. Brilliant.

For such a rare tree dwelling jungle kangaroo, he sure is docile. Let's talk about that head! Looks like a bull terrier. Spuds McKenzie, eat a dick. Squinty eyes make him look sleepy. So lazy looking. Looks so cumfy. Snuggley. Sleepy.

Fossa

2006-02-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

Yo check out what I got. Mmmmmbooya. It's a pork shoulder joint and I am going to eat every tiny little piece of flesh off of it.

Speaking of shoulder joints, I found this picture of a fossa pup on the internet and he's got a shoulder joint too, although I don't think it's pork. Get in there little dude, I bet I can eat more than you. O it's fucking on!

For such an adorable face, he has a really stable looking stance. Try to push him down. Fuck you! Why you look so guilty guy? Did you kill the goat or just steal it off of someone else. Either way, I guess.

This was inspired by the fossa video on this page. Please, though, don't stop there.

Dino-Dillo

2006-02-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

Suckle that rubber teat, my little Pangolin friend. When you grow up you'll basicly be a stegosaurus or something. You'll pick up cows and shake them back and forth in your powerful jaws.

O snap, you totally bought that. Pangolins don't even have teeth or the ability to chew. You're so fucking gulllible.

This is as ferocious as Pangolins get when they're grown. He's bashful, leave him alone. Meatwad? Anybody? Anybody?

Groundhog Day (the movie not the day)

2006-02-02T12:28:00.000-05:00

Damit fuck. I totally forgot it was Groundhog day. Look at these little guys.

a k a woodchucks and check it out:

He's actually chucking away at a 3/8 inch dowel. Chuck on little man.

This one is chucking the living shit out of some heron.
Ewwwwww. Kids don't do drugs. And if you're gunna, either snort em or smoke em. But this is just so sad. Look at it all running down his chin like that. All sorts of crazy hairs coming out of everyplace. Enjoy it.

Taggin' hookers

2006-02-02T11:59:00.000-05:00

You're kidding right? Wait, hold on, look at the text. You're fucking kidding right? Where do I start? Eyes, ears, whiskers, sad face, wrinkly skin, floppy fins, pile of sea lions in background. OR! hooker OR! tagged. I think this picture was planted on the internet just for JALG.

Fuckin'... Come here buddy, you look like you need a hug. I'm sorry I scolded you but that was part of what $150 and a sixer of red stripe buys me. Privelage. Come on over here and give me a goddamn hug.
Look at that big 'ol forehead. Noogies. I'm starting to get a little suspicious about how much this little chap looks like a dog. Noogies.

okapi grrrrrrrrl

2006-01-29T14:55:00.000-05:00

It really fucking irks me when I start looking for some cute pictures of animals on the internet and all of a sudden I've developed zoological interest and I'm like: "Wow, opakis can lick their eyes and ears with their incredibly sticky tongues. That's fucking bonkers."
Shut up dude. Just post the baby animals and get on with your life.

I found this article pretty interesting and all around nuts. Please note the use of the term "Sawed-off semigiraffe"

Anyway. Step aside Bambi and also Bambi 2 (that bitch). Cuz here comes the real prince of the forest.
15 minutes. That's all it takes from the time their born to the time they can stand and run. That's rght vag to feet in 15 flat. Word up. This one kind of has a seductive daring look to him like "c'mon bitch, try me" He's talking to bambi by the way.

So it's actually more like vag to feet then to ass in 25 flat. Hey man you gots to tend to your underside.
Feel me?

The real point is as follows. Those stripey legs and kinda bow legged stance reminds me a lot of a riot grrrl and deep down I have a little thing for riot grrrlz. Well, not so deep down and not so llittle either.
His little hooves kinda look like big ol shit kickers and he's built like a little brick shit house. I'm puzzling myself here by comparing this little guy to an object of my desire.

Thanks Louis for the hypolink.

prairie doggs

2006-01-28T21:27:00.000-05:00

Charlie's angels? They're all different shapes and sizes. The one on the left is the nerdy tech one. The one in the middle is the matial arts expert and the one on the right is the seductress. Charlie will be played by Bernie Mac.

This is actually a tactical readyness stance. "C'mon" say the prairie doggs. "Give us your best shot."

I read this on the subway:

See a crip, kill a crip, watch my favorite color drip.

So throw up your gang signs motherfucker.

Blood for life.

Penguin Poop

2006-01-26T11:25:00.000-05:00

I am sorry. Really sorry. There's no need for this. None.
WOW! Let's ignore the poop for a second and talk about the way this little pooper is up on his tiptoes mounting his brother while his mom watches him poop.

She's all : Good work honey.
And he's making that screwed up satisfied face that dogs make when they poop and make eye contact at the same time. I have chills.
Thanks Sarafina

ReOtter

2006-01-22T11:52:00.000-05:00

This is exactly what last night was like for me. Rolling around like a complete fucking moron laughing my head off and caring not-at-all who's watching or photographing.

What's up with these guys. They have the propotions of a dachtsund with no neck. I am having so much touble imagining what they might be doing if it isn't actually laughing hystericly. Seriously, I can't think of one animal type thing that they could be doing. Maybe they're rolling in the snow to get parasites off of their fur. No, fucking way. They're laughing, end of story. This is another strong argument for intelegent design. Why on earth would an otter evolve to laugh? And how would anything (hyenas, people) evolve to laugh in the first place?
Ridiculous.

SAT's

2006-01-20T22:42:00.000-05:00

YES. It's time for another game of "what celebrity does this baby porcupine look like." (Jeopardy theme). Is it:
a) Gerard Depardieu
b)Adrien Brody
c)Dustin Hoffman
d)Me

Correct answer: a)

Link via Robyn

4 eyes

2006-01-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

From the if-I-can't-tell-if-it's-cute-then-it-is file, we have the spectacled langur. Oh what a crazy world.

This will be your CGI guide to the world of spectacled langurs. It took 200 nerds 1000 man-hours to do the whole wireframe, artificial hair thing on him and now he pops up in the corner of my microsoft word everytime I try to make a table and says "it looks like you're trying to make a table." No shit.

O fuck me. That's not CGI at all. It's the real deal. He looks...surprised. I am. Not a bad gotee too. He's thinking of going into pro baseball and, well you know, you have to have the look.

Ok so the mom here has got a coke-bottle-glasses cross-eyed thing that I think you would find in an eighties movie about nerds (but not Revenge of the Nerds or Weird Science.)

And look at that baby. Now baby looks at you. And vise-versa ad infinitum. I see a milk mustache. What makes me want to give noogies. Some deep primal instinct I think.

Titilatiing Ocelot

2006-01-18T23:55:00.000-05:00

What is it about the ocelot that's so......titilating.

Like this little duder. Huh? What? me? Oh yeah.
I love those blue eyes. Enchanting. This is the ocelot in its natural habitat, which, by the way, involves a leaf.

Sorry, did I say I liked blue eyes because that was a crock of shit. I like orange eyes. Yeah, you're really the cutest. You!
Sad and cute. That's how we do. Lashes by L'Oreal. Whiskers by Vidal Sassoon.

Jesus cock-sucking Christ. That's so fucking weird. I was just talking about how cute baby ocelots are and look what we have here. One cute ocelot. Best part: forehead patern. Especially, the relationship between the baby's and the mom's. It's like when you see a little fat kid with his fat parents. You can see the future. The little dude looks like he's kind of wavering back and forth and as he's oscillating he's making my tits oscillate a little too.

Get your grimy ass hands off of my ocelot. Rubbing up and down on him like he's some kind of feline freak. He's not, you know? Those little paws are so in focus. He's kinda bug eyed but that's forgiven by the spots on his legs and his cute ass fucking paws which look like little mittens. And (this isn't dirty) look between his front legs at the way his little back legs are scrunched up and his little ass is just above the ground.

Ay, Ay, Ay! Raise the roof little man. I feel you, but you're underappreciated. I know you're sick, I know you're tired, I know you're sick of being sick and tired.
If this little ocelot goes missing in the near future, it wasn't me. I wouldn't even know how to kidnap a baby animal. Even one that's this titilating.

Pacarana

2006-01-18T12:38:00.000-05:00

A close relative of the capybara (and linguisticly confusable to boot) is the pacarana.

Bluck blcuk.Sleeeeeeeep. It's raining right now and all I want to do is be this guy for the rest of the day.

Wait, fuck that. I want to be this guy:
He's so little and fuzzy. Tiny eyes etc. etc. Look at his mom's ears, they look really weirdly like human ears. Hi.

Check this shit out from National Geographic, May 1966 (thanks my very good friend Karthik Pandian):
This is a pacarana catching thing in Columbia. If you can't read the text, I'll paraphrase. Mrs. Latham (right) catches the pacarana for her 14-year-old son Billy! Billy names it Rodie! On the ride home Rodie leaps out of Billy's lap, onto the driver, sending the jeep into a ditch. Also present are coatimundis.
That's actually what it says. You can't make shit like that up. Billy!!!!

And then there's this guy who is sitting up and eating like we owe him something. Pretty funny little fella.
R.O.U.S.? Yes.